3 Powerful Ways To Help A Divorced Friend

I used to have a dream when I was going through my divorce that I had fallen into a pit of quicksand and was gradually, but steadily, sinking. In a panic, I reached out to people around me, but they just stared at me. They wouldn't help me. This cross was mine alone to carry. But I still reached out with the hopes that someone would at least acknowledge my crisis.

Events that happen in our lives, whether joyful, regretful, or painful embed themselves in our psyche and shape who we are. It's unreasonable to thing that such a traumatic event such as divorce would not have an effect on who we are, our day-to-day perspective, even our nightly dreams.

This is why it’s so important for someone who is divorced to have someone around who can be a source of strength and support. That’s not always easy, though, because people who have not been through a divorce often feel uncomfortable or awkward with this kind of situation.

If you are someone who would like to be supportive of a friend or loved one who is going through a divorce but you’re not sure just how to do that, I’d like to offer you some suggestions that may help:

 1.     Acknowledge their crisis.

Divorce is a crisis that shakes one’s foundation to the core. There is devastation on every level, and the pain is constant. You can’t take a few Tylenol and make it go away. Yet, he is expected to get up, put a smile on his face and go about his daily duties as if nothing is wrong. This person needs someone to acknowledge the fact that he is in crisis.

Having someone who understands the ramifications of losing a marriage is deeply meaningful to the one going through it. Not only is this a physical crisis,—the division of property, leaving the family home, determining who the children live with, etc.—it's also a great spiritual and emotional crisis. Being there to listen to that person and offer consolation, not necessarily advice, is a great gift you can give.

2.    Encourage them to not lower their standards.

The level of disappointment that comes with losing a marriage is so deep that the weight of that disappointment can convince a person that the moral standards set forth by the Church are simply set too high (which is not true). This is one reason I believe we have so many divorced and civilly remarried Catholics. They want to be happy and feel the Church demands too much of them (it doesn’t), so they try and find happiness on their own terms.

So how do you help? By being a constant affirmation of God’s love to your friend or loved one. Help him carry his cross the way St. Simon of Cyrene helped Jesus carry his cross, and show him he is still good, still loved, still an important part of the Body of Christ.

3.   Encourage them to keep coming to church.

Divorce can make a person feel unwanted, unloveable, unforgiven, and ashamed. It's important for him to know that if he is in the state of grace, he is welcome and encouraged to come to Mass, receive the sacraments, and partake in parish life.

This is not because you want to overlook or lessen the scandal of divorce, or the sin of whichever spouse may have abandoned their family for selfish reasons. It is because you need a starting point to help him remain faithful.

It's the same starting point God gives you; when you get knocked down by sin, whether it was your sin or someone else’s, God is there to help you get back up and try again, not wallow in misery and victimhood. He wants you to brush yourself off and get to the business of forgiving or repenting, whichever it is you need to do.

This is no different for someone going through a divorce. They need to know they are welcome at church, and they need to know whether or not they can receive the sacraments, for if they are not living in a state of mortal sin, it is precisely the grace of the sacraments that will bring healing.

In the end, a great rule of thumb is to keep Pope Francis's words at the forefront:

Sometimes, I speak of the Church as if it were a field hospital...So many people need their wounds healed! This is the mission of the Church: to heal the wounds of the heart, to open doors, to free people, to say that God is good, God forgives all

(Homily: 2/5/15)