Feeling Abandoned After Divorce

Many people have asked me over the years why I would spend so much time writing and speaking about divorce. Mine occurred 22 years ago and I've been remarried for 15 years so it's natural they would wonder why I would perpetuate and keep fresh in my mind such a horrendous event in my life. I can't blame them for asking, it's a reasonable question. At the same time, it's difficult to accurately describe my motivation, except to say that, after going through that terrible devastation and coming out the other side with such a blessed life, I want to offer hope to the millions of divorced Catholics who are losing it.

But every so often, I receive an email from someone whose circumstances perfectly illustrates why I do what I do, and I'd like to share a few excerpts from one of those with you now. It was an email I received from a woman named Mary Margaret in response to a recent article I wrote and in it, the she describes the tragedy and destruction of her life when her husband of 30 years left her. She remained in her parish, believing it to be her home; a haven of friendship and compassion, but as she wrote, "It turned out to be quite the opposite."

Unfortunately, none of my Catholic friends reached out to me and in my home diocese, there was and still is nothing in the way of emotional, psychological, or spiritual support for someone going through a divorce. I finally turned to a local Methodist Church that offered support groups for people recovering from divorce.

"...after my divorce, I was suddenly invisible, erased as it were. I was so isolated, I even experienced several cycles of suicidal loneliness despite my attempts to find new friendships in various diocesan groups. The indifference I faced left me bitter, and I finally left the parish for another to escape the temptations to anger and resentment. In effect, I was not loved but shunned.

It is now a little over three years since the divorce and I am much healthier and happier, but not because the people in my parish cared. I believe I made it through because of my devotion to Our Lady and a prayer life of many years. Christ and his Mother did not abandon me, but my church did.

Many people believe all divorced Catholics are always treated with compassion and dignity, and they might find the words this woman wrote to be untrue or impossible. But let's be frank... just because we're Catholic doesn't mean we're perfect. Divorce is a controversial subject these days and it's understandable if it makes people feel uncomfortable and want to ignore it. But we should not do so at the expense of our fellow parishioners who need our friendship and compassion.

The takeaway I see in all this is comes from her lament later in the text: I am still a practicing Catholic. As Peter said to the Lord, “Where else shall we go? You have the words of everlasting life.” Despite her shunning, Mary Margaret remained true to her Catholic faith and I believe she sets a wonderful example for everyone who may be tempted to leave the Catholic Church because they feel like an outcast, no matter what their individual circumstances are. Archbishop Charles Chaput recently wrote an address to the Extraordinary Synod on the Family, reinforcing this point: "The work of this synod needs to show much more confidence in the Word of God, the transformative power of grace, and the ability of people to actually live what the Church believes. And it should honor the heroism of abandoned spouses who remain faithful to their vows and the teaching of the Church."

Since the close of the Synod on the Family, discussions are taking place about how to better help the Catholic family face the major problems we have in society today. There are many fringe groups seeking attention and a large percentage of those group members have left the Catholic Church, some because they don't like the Church's teachings, some because they've erroneously believed they were not welcome, and some because they've been ostracized, like Mary Margaret. What great courage it takes to stay true to your faith when you are feeling alienated from your parish family. I know there are others out there who face other scandals and still attend faithfully and that is heroic virtue in my book.

Pope Francis has asked all Catholics to be more apostolic and go out to the battlefield, look for the wounded, and bring them back to the field hospital that is the Church. I hope this woman's letter will motivate you to step in that direction.

I welcome your comments and questions at asklisa@catholicmatch.com.