4 Steps for Battling Loneliness After Divorce

Wash the car. Check.

Clean out the hall closet. Check.

Take donation items to Goodwill. Check.

It was only 1pm on a spring Saturday and I was already done with my to-do list for the day. During my post-divorce years, I had gotten into the habit of making weekend to-do lists for myself because if I didn't, loneliness would swallow me up and I would end up wasting the weekend away by sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I ached to be in love again

I had moved from Southern California to Connecticut just a few years before and outside of the people I knew from work, making new friends wasn't as easy as it had been when I was younger. These to-do lists were a good safety net to prevent myself from falling into the pity party trap.

The friends I had at work were mostly married and their weekends were filled with family time. But I could spot some of their envious gazes as I headed out of the office on Fridays, often punctuated with something like, "Don't get into too much trouble tonight!" They may have been jealous of my freedom, but little did they know I would trade it all in a heartbeat if I could have my own family.

After only a month or so of weekends spent checking items off my lists, I had the cleanest, most organized home in the state. I felt I was making good personal progress, but I was still lonely.

Life would be so much nicer if there were someone special in my life, I frequently thought. I ached to be in love again, but I had made this mistake before... getting into a relationship before I was ready. I needed to find the right balance, so I decided I would take the same approach in this situation as I did in keeping myself busy. I made another list, and this one was quite personal.

Romance and Band-Aids

I was struggling with a difficult mix of emotions; the longing to be in a happy, secure relationship and the anxiety over avoiding making the same mistakes over again.

After taking some time to reflect on my past and all that had led me to this point, I realized one key factor. I decided that I would not say "yes" to a date, if I was using the relationship like a bandaid. I needed to be fully prepared to meet someone new, and fully available to give my heart away.

I had some work to do in this department, so here is what my new list looked like:

1. Complete the annulment process.

I had actually begun the annulment process the year before, but had dropped the ball on the paperwork, so there was definitely something to work on. I really wanted to cross that one off the list.

2. Make peace with my divorce and forgive my ex-spouse.

And I had come a long way in the forgiveness department, but there was still one step I wanted to take that I had put off for a long time, and that was actually telling my ex-spouse that I forgave him.

I know many ex-spouses don't have the right set of circumstances to allow that to happen, but I did. So, I made that call, which was well-received and it brought me a lot of peace.

3. Learn how to enjoy my own company.

Then, there was this tougher step to take, learning how to enjoy my own company. This was important to me because my self-esteem had suffered tremendously because of my divorce and I didn't want to date someone because I needed to feel loved. I had to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

4. Learn to recognize the blessings that came with being single.

And as I took these steps, my fourth list item naturally fell into place. There was no doubt I was lonely and wishing there was someone special, but I had a lot of blessings in my singlehood that my married friends did not.

I could go out to eat whenever I wanted without having to find a babysitter.

Mass was a peaceful event, not a struggle with cranky kids.

I wasn't getting up at 1am with a sick child and dragging myself through the work day, I was getting a good night's sleep.

Although it's true, I would jump at the chance to be a mom and do all those things, there were many things I was taking for granted when I pitied myself for being single. In turning it all around and recognizing these blessings, I was able to let go of that pity.

If you are struggling with the loneliness of being divorced and single, I encourage you to take these same steps I took. You can also come up with your own list of things you know you need to work on so when someone special does come into your life, you will be ready.