Which Couple Will You Be?

Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed a married couple sitting in sad silence? I did recently. 

They were just eating. Not arguing. Not talking to each other at all. Clinking forks on plates. Staring at their phones or out the window. They were together, but not present. It was a heartbreaking sight. In the song “Flagship”, Jason Isbell sings of such a couple:

She's got nothing left to learn about his heart

They're sitting there a thousand miles apart

But I’ve seen another kind of couple too. 

After church one morning, I watched an elderly husband and wife walk to their vehicle. They were griping at each other, but when they reached the car, he instinctively opened the passenger door for his wife and let her get settled before he went to the driver side.

In the midst of their spat, he showed a small gesture of love. 

I don’t personally know either of these couples, so I can’t say what their actual marriages are like. But watching their interaction—or lack thereof—gives a hint. It seems the couple in the restaurant has given up at some point along the way. The couple outside the church has their issues, but they’re still engaged.

If you had to choose, which one of these couples would you be?

The one that doesn’t communicate at all beyond asking for the dinner check? Or the one with gripes and disagreements, but they show acts of kindness and love? 

It’s kind of like asking: Would you rather be dead or alive? 

If you are alive, you are inevitably going to have conflict, but you are also going to have affection, love, and communication. If you are dead, well… 

I’d rather be the elderly, arguing, door-opening couple.

But how do you get there? It doesn’t happen by accident. It takes effort.

Stay engaged. When you have fights or disagreements, don’t check out to avoid conflict. That just allows more resentment and anger to build, resulting in a tragic state of disconnect. 

Stay in the fight. Neither person has to “win” or “lose” an argument. But by staying engaged, you are both winning because you are still together, strengthening your relationship through open communication. 

Make a conscious choice not to give up on your relationship.

When you sense distance or resentment creeping in, make an effort to re-engage. Ask what your partner is experiencing at work or in other life areas. Develop a shared hobby. Take a class together. Create things to talk about.  

Practice developing intentional acts of respect and love toward each other. That old man who opened the car door for his wife in the middle of a spat? I suspect that came from years of habit. 

Start developing your own loving habits now.

Open doors for your spouse. Make the bed when she’s too busy. Play his favorite music on the stereo during breakfast. There are many ways to show your love for your spouse. You are limited only by your creativity and imagination. The little things will add up.

No one has to end up like the distant husband and wife in the restaurant, dead in their detachment. It is possible to be the husband and wife showing love to one another after church, even while bickering. 

In any relationship, there will be irritations and disagreements and quarreling. That just means you are alive and human and still engaged. It means there is still room for laughter and love and affection. To me, that’s better than being two strangers together but alone. 

We all have the chance to live a better, happier story.

And it takes making intentional decisions along life’s journey.

One day we could be sitting a thousand miles apart from our spouse in a restaurant. Or we could be fussing with them but opening a door at the same time because love is stronger than crankiness. 

As Jason Isbell sings:

Baby, let's not ever get that way

I'll say whatever words I need to say

I'll throw rocks at your window from the street

And we'll call ourselves the flagship of the fleet

A flagship is the best or most important ship in a squadron. It’s the shining example of the best of the fleet. We all have the opportunity to be that in our relationship. A beacon of hope, of possibility, to others. It will take work, but it will be worth it.

According to 1 Corinthians 13:7-8, love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” It doesn’t sit quiet and detached at a dinner table. It stays in the fight and opens doors for one another even when upset. Let’s aim for a flagship love.