When to Ask: "Should We Get Married?"

You’re in an amazing relationship with an amazing girl.

You like her, her friends, her family, and she likes you. Things are going great, but one thing is nagging at you. You know you want to be with this girl for as long as possible, but you don’t know when to bring up the marriage question.

When to bring up the marriage question is simpler than you might think. It’s actually not one big question. It’s a series of small questions.

I’ll give you an example from my own life.

On my second date with my now wife, I had an inkling that this woman might be the one. I took her to a hill overlooking the city and tried dancing with her, which ended up being very awkward and not romantic at all. But she didn’t make fun of me too much! An incredible woman.

We sat on the hill, watched the sunset, and ate Taco Bell (another sign I should marry her.) I felt so comfortable with her, and we had been friends for a while. Being with her just felt right. I felt at peace and said to myself, “Yeah I could do this for my whole life.”

But I didn’t immediately turn to her and say, “Do you think we’ll get married?” 

First of all, because my mouth was full of burrito. Second, because it’s really difficult to answer that question, even if you have been dating for a while. There are so many factors that go into discerning marriage, it can’t be answered in one sitting. There are several questions that need several answers.

Before we get to the different types of questions you need to ask, I’d like to clear up some misconceptions about marriage and dating.

Common misconceptions about marriage and dating...

You may have heard people say that dating is for marriage. This is true in a sense that the end goal of dating is to get married, but this does not mean you have to know you want to get married to a person before you date them. That said, if you feel certain you could marry someone, don’t expect them to have the same level of certainty as you.

Also, beware of your certainty. I don’t personally believe in the “honeymoon phase,” but it is possible the excitement of a new relationship can cloud your judgement. Certainty usually takes the form of a peaceful feeling, not an exciting one.

A good rule of thumb for asking marriage-related questions is this: Don’t ask unless you’ve both said, “I love you.” That phrase is an important step in a relationship. It deepens it. That depth allows for a greater vulnerability in talking about marriage.

Asking the important questions.

There are few important questions you need to ask each other as you discern marriage more seriously. A lot of couples assume things about the other that can be cleared up by asking questions and having discussions.

Have an open discussion about goals and dreams for the future. Does she want to live in the city, but you love the country? Is one of you willing to budge on that? Do either of you have a job that would require significant sacrifice on the part of your spouse? This part of the discernment process helps you figure out what things are non-negotiable going into marriage.

Another important question is about having children and raising them Catholic. In the Catholic marriage rite, couples vow to be open to children and commit to raise them in the faith. You both need to be able to answer that question honestly and in the affirmative.

Finally, are you both the kind of people that can set aside their pride and grow in virtue? You can ask each other this question explicitly, but you can usually figure it out based on how you fight. If you both cling to your own desires or opinions over the other, that is a recipe for difficulties in marriage later.

Asking the fun questions.

The questions aren’t all serious, though. As you become more and more certain about your future together, now it’s time to ask the fun questions! Ask questions about what her dream house looks like or what names she’s thought about for kids. 

Don’t forget to ask questions about the proposal either. How does she want it to happen? Does she want it to be big and romantic or small and simple? In public, in private, or in front of close friends and family? What does her dream ring look like? 

My conclusion?

It can be difficult to know precisely when to bring up the marriage question, but it’s easier when you break it into smaller questions. The truth is, very few people in dating relationships could answer in a simple yes or no if you ask them “will you marry that guy?” So, don’t expect your girlfriend to do that.

Continue to keep the conversation going and you will be able to successfully discern your future together.