Although they aren't married, priests deal constantly with people who are. They have seen the fall out from people who were poorly prepared for marriage, and they have seen the victories of couples who have stayed married for fifty or more years. Marriage is full of celebrations and heartaches, and priests have shepherded husbands and wives through thick and thin.
What have they learned from all of this? What do priests wish couples knew before they get married? To find out, I asked three priests:Father Rob Cook, pastor of Sacred Heart Parish in Idaho, Father Camilo Garcia Delgado, pastor of Corpus Christi Parish in Idaho, and Father Brad Hagelin, pastor of St. Luke Parish in Washington
1. Talk about your past.
The past does not have to be an obstacle as long as issues are dealt with during the engagement.
“In terms of brokenness, as long as it is acknowledged and shared and known, it does not have to be something negative in the relationship. But if it is hidden, it is very damaging,” says Father Brad.
A friend shared that she and her husband didn't deal with issues before their marriage, and it led to a lot of heartache. "I wished I'd known to deal with our brokenness before we were married, and that therapy isn't a bad word. So many struggles would have been kept at bay had we both gone to therapy for our own issues of anxiety and childhood wounds," she said. Their marriage is strong now, but they wish they had taken the time to get help with their past before they were married.
Although we should be compassionate with one another, brokenness is not an excuse for abusive behavior. Father Camilo notes that manipulation, controlling behavior, and jealousy are all warning signs that a relationship is not healthy.
2. Establish support systems early.
Father Camilo says that engaged couples should have a married couple mentor them. He warns that isolation should be avoided because it can make a couple want to give up.
Father Brad also sees mentoring couples as helpful in fostering a healthy engagement and marriage. “I have couples do the FOCCUS premarital inventory test, and discuss it with a trained facilitator to point out growth areas, red flags, and areas that require conversation or decisions before getting married. We then use the ‘Living in Love’ marriage preparation program—which is a couple-to-couple mentoring program over eight sessions, and I see a lot of fruits from that. Generally, couples really thank us for the program,” says Father Brad.
Father Rob says that even though ordination is different from marriage, it is still a life-change with adjustments. New priests are encouraged to maintain support systems to help them navigate the ups and downs of the priesthood. He feels married couples should do the same by having relationships that will help them weather all the adjustments that come with sharing life with another person.
3. Root out bad habits and start developing good ones now.
Father Camilo says that couples should practice forgiving each other and making sacrifices for one another before they get married. He continues, “The couples need to avoid the effect of daily stresses and fatigue which can sabotage their communication and [ability to] resolve conflicts. Couples need to maintain their fun and relaxation together.”
Establishing goals and developing habits while you're engaged requires seeing one another for who you are. It's important to be realistic before you get married and to work hard at laying down foundations of communication and forgiveness before the vows are said.
"My mother-in-law always says to go into an engagement with your eyes wide open, but to put on rose-colored glasses when you get married! And to remember that, whatever the disagreement or misunderstanding, you are on the same team!" said a friend who has been married for 18 years.
When approaching a second marriage, sharing the faith is even more important as couples have to manage blending families. Handling exes and step-children is a different ballgame.
"This is a second marriage for me, and I came into it with three very young children. I wish I had understood that we were a step-family. I thought because the kids were so little we could be traditional. The best counseling we ever got last summer had to do with step-parenting. There are many great books and some simple tweaks that we needed. I just think we could have saved a lot of heartache if we had acknowledged that we had differences and were a step-family earlier...it took us 17 years!" a friend shared.
The community and the sacraments of the Church are essential in navigating marriage for a lifetime. Whether you've been married before or are marrying for the first time, don't assume you can wing it after your vows.
In addition to going to Mass and Reconciliation regularly, Father Camilo encourages couples to go on annual retreats and to pray together. Making these priorities while engaged will make them easier to maintain in the ups and downs of marriage.
5. Know when to be first.
During a recent homily, my bishop, Bishop Peter F. Christensen, shared this bit of wisdom from a toast he heard at a wedding, "The first to apologize is the bravest; the first to forgive is the strongest; and the first to forget is the happiest."
A friend has another way of putting it, "My husband gave this advice to a relative years ago and I still love it: You will be amazed at how much one actually wins by allowing one's self to lose (arguments, wants, self)."
6. Think long-term together.
“Couples don’t think long-term enough. Most of the time when couples come to us, they are either caught up in love and just waiting for the day of the wedding, or they are already living together. But they aren’t necessarily thinking about children or finances. From a priest’s perspective, we get people in all parts and aspects of life, and people change over time,” says Father Rob.
Couples who have made common long-term goals for their marriage have an easier time sticking together through life.
7. Learn the basics of your faith.
Father Brad wishes couples were better catechized as children and teenagers. “Some folks are genuinely surprised that they are not free in the eyes of the Church to marry whomever they want (that includes folks who are civilly divorced, who need annulments),” he says. He thinks the Theology of the Body, taught well, helps people understand the importance of sexual integrity.
Father Rob feels similarly. He also has a warning about people who are quick to disregard Church teachings, “One of the things you learn about your fiancé, if you decide to co-habitate before marriage, is that for the sake of what they feel love is, they are willing to go away from the teachings of the Church and God. So who’s to say that in marriage that might not happen again.”
Pursue a strong catechesis while you're engaged and work out what you each find challenging about the Catholic faith before getting married.
8. Hang
on!
Father Rob’s last bit of advice, “Hang on for the ride!”
Expect things to change, and be determined to hold on to each other. Once you make the commitment to love one another for the rest of your lives, don’t let go.
Remember your common goals, keep developing your good habits (and combating your bad ones), reach out to friends, and stay connected to the Church. These things will help you stay together—no matter what!
Find Your Forever.
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