Stop Trying To Get Married
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Instead, start preparing to be married.
A priest friend of mine shared an experience he recently had on his day off. Dressed in his regular clothes (aka—no collar identifying him as a priest) he stopped to have lunch in a cozy coffee shop. As he sat at his table, he could easily hear the conversation going on in the next booth.
An engaged couple were meeting with their wedding planner. The couple described the layout of the Catholic Church to the planner so that she could get the flower placement correct. As they talked, the planner asked them why they were getting married in the Catholic Church. Her question had an edge as if to say, “really—like you could be married in a field or on a beach and be free to do whatever you want.”
The couple explained that they liked the Church and found it a great venue. But, they went on to say that they really didn’t care for the preparation requirements; especially because they had been living together for so long.
The Church's archaic teachings on marriage and family
The planner asked, “What did the priest say to you when you told him you were living together?” Their response, “He told us to separate and we told him we would. But, we didn’t.” Then they laughed and talked about the archaic Catholic teachings on marriage and family life.
My priest buddy had to restrain himself from leaning over and asking them, “Do you really want to be married?” He so wanted to pull a chair up to their booth and provide them with the rationale behind the teachings of the Church that they were defaming.
I asked the priest to tell me what he would have said to them if he had entered into the conversation. After a very long pause he said, “In charity, I would have shared my sadness that their planning was out of focus because they were more concerned about where the flowers would go then how to authentically love each other for a lifetime.”
We continued talking about this couple and the depressing fact that many couples today don't plan to "be" married. They plan to "get" married. We commiserated that the wedding industry rather than Christ was center stage for so many couples. We wondered if couples even understood that they were swept up in creating a flawless wedding day at the expense of preparing for their marriage. At some point, my priest friend said, “How do we convince engaged couples that planning for a perfect picture of love is more important than a picture perfect wedding?”
This is a great question for marriage ministers to contemplate. We all know that redirecting an engaged couple’s thinking about marriage takes great finesse. So let me offer a few ideas that might help.
Tweak your language.
I know this is subtle, but give it a try. Instead of saying that they are “getting” married, say that they will “be” married. Being married is a totally different reality than getting married. One points to the event and the other to a lifelong relationship in God. And, refer to marriage as “sacramental” and add the phrase “in the Catholic faith” after you say married. So, instead of saying, “I am thankful you are getting married” say “I am thankful you will be sacramentally married in the Catholic faith.”
Help them put Christ into the planning.
Ask the couple to tell you about their “wedding event” (What’s their theme, their color scheme, their caterer, the D.J. …) Take personal interest in all of it. Then, ask them how their plans will reflect Christ’s love. When you get the blank stare which means they haven’t even considered Christ’s presence at the event make some suggestions like:
- Tie a bible verse about Christ’s love on each of the bouquets and boutonnieres
- Dedicate each floral arrangement in honor of a married couple who has witnessed Christ’s love to them (parents, aunts & uncles, siblings, friends…)
- Provide a family ritual about the marriage bond that can be part of the rehearsal or groom’s dinner
- Place “prayers for the couple” in the pews of the Church that guests can pray before the actual wedding begins
- Give them examples of meal prayers to be said at the reception
- Develop a play list of songs for the D.J. that are family friendly and wholesome reminders of authentic love
Text or email links to great articles or videos about Catholic Marriage
Send them these resources during their engagement. Set aside an afternoon to review Catholic marriage articles and videos. Once you find suitable resources, save the links and begin sharing them.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Andy, on how he prepared (and didn't prepare!) for marriage
- Allison, on preparing for marriage while single
- Erik, with three ways to prepare for marriage from his own experience
- Alice, on her love story and a video with what she has learned from years of marriage
- Joy, on the eight conversations you should have before marriage
- Lisa, on the question "are you ready for marriage?"
- All our marriage preparation articles in one place
- Top 10 Reasons You Should Get Married
- Check out ForYourMarriage.org
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