Why Marriage Is Not a Cure for Loneliness

I’m lonely. 

Yes, it is true I am divorced. So, there’s that. You may be tempted to think I am lonely because I am alone. But truth be told, I was lonely when I was married. I was also lonely before that when I was single. I remember my loneliness all the way back to when I was a little girl. It has always been there, like a faithful friend.

I am not, however, sad. Even though the loneliness can be so heavy, almost palpable. It sits there like the heavy fog does over the ocean before the persistent and gusty wind drives it away. 

When you’re sitting alone on a Friday night with a pint of ice cream and just one spoon, beginning another binge of The Office, the loneliness can feel very heavy. The temptation is to think “If only I were married! Then I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.”

I am telling you something extremely important.

Listen well: marriage is not a cure for loneliness. Loneliness is that painful thing that opens up our hearts to the possibility of eternity. It is that scent of nostalgia that draws us to the homeland we have not yet seen. It’s homesickness for a place we have never been.

Loneliness helps us to remember as St. Therese said that this world is our ship and not our home. Without it we may be tempted to find complete satisfaction in this world—among all our trappings and distractions, forgetting that Jesus calls us to detachment and full abandonment to the Divine Will. Loneliness helps us not to forget.

The poets have written about loneliness. Rilke says, writing as a monk to God, “Just give me time and I’ll love the things as no one ever did until they all have become wide and worthy of you. I only need seven days, I guess, which no one has claimed or covered before, seven pages of loneliness.”

We need that loneliness, because it is often what God uses to lead us along the path of his will.

And God’s will involves people. God’s will is community. But not community in the way we often think about it or in the way it is depicted on sitcoms. Community actually has less to do with bingo and town hall meetings than it does with sacrifice.

Community is about finding people to love and then loving them well. And I do not mean romantic love, although Eros may be a part of that. What I am referring to is that transcendent love of neighbor that calls us out of ourselves and compels us to give of ourselves.

Servant of God Dorothy Day wrote, “We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.”

So, marriage isn’t the cure.

What happens if we try to cure loneliness with marriage? If we look to a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or a spouse to cure our loneliness, it puts tremendous pressure on the other person to be to us what only the Divine Will can be. That loneliness is a longing for heaven. No one wants to have the pressure to actually be heaven to another person. The strain of those expectations can cripple a relationship and in the end, leave you lonelier than before you were in the relationship.

So what do we do when we feel lonely?

1. Lean into it. No, I don’t mean wallow. (Although I can throw a mean pity party.) I mean that we should allow ourselves to feel it, even if it is painful. Feel it all. And then in the words of a friend of mine, “Invite Jesus in. Ask him to be the master of your emotional house. Ask him what he wants you to keep and what he wants you to let go of. And then ask him to feel everything with you.” This little exercise in surrender to Jesus has been life-altering for me. Jesus, feeling everything with me: including the long loneliness.

2. Reach out to others. By this I mean find someone to love, and not in a romantic sense. But, serve. Volunteer the next time the Knights of Columbus need someone to make pancakes. Maybe there is a single parent in your parish who could use a hand with yard work or child care. Maybe your director of religious ed has been looking for a middle school catechist. Catholic Charities may be looking for someone to help an elderly person in your neighborhood with errands or housework. Love people around you and you will find your community.

3. Frequent the Sacraments. Don’t forget that the Holy Trinity is a community of persons in an eternal relationship of love. So take part of that Divine Mystery as often as possible in the Eucharist and Confession. Simply being in the Presence of Jesus in Adoration can fill spots in our hearts that nothing else will.

In this, also, don’t forget Sacramentals, such as Rosaries, Crucifixes, Miraculous Medals, Holy Water, Holy Salt, etc. Surround yourself with visible and tangible reminders of the Faith. These things will not only remind you that this world is not your home, but they will invite the presence of God into your daily life and help you to accept the grace God so generously offers us.

Marriage isn’t the cure for loneliness.

In fact, there isn’t a permanent cure on this side of heaven. Loneliness is part of the human experience. We will all feel it; we will all have to walk through it. 

If we allow the Holy Spirit to use our loneliness it can lead us to amazing graces, community, and deeper friendship with God. Don’t wish your loneliness way. Instead, find out what it has to teach you.