Stop Complaining That You Don't Have a Community
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How do you experience community after college?
Jesus had many great miracles: he walked on water, raised people from the dead, and turned water into wine. But His greatest miracle was having twelve close friends at the age of 30.
You may have heard that one before, but if you graduated from college in the last few years like me, you know how true it is. It can be incredibly hard to go from living five minutes from most of your friends to only knowing a few people your own age in your area.
I’ve spoken to many Catholic young adults who find themselves in this situation. They came from a great Newman Center at their college and they’re looking for something at their parish to give them the same community. Unfortunately, they may wait for a long time.
A community needs to be started by somebody.
If you were in a high school youth group and then a college campus ministry, for the past eight years community has been created for you by someone older. If you’re used to your community being an organized program at your church, you might not realize that isn’t how a community forms.
Loneliness for young adults isn’t a uniquely Catholic or Christian problem. Even young adults who aren’t part of a church find themselves in this situation. The difference is, they don’t blame their lack of community on a church. The hard truth is, once you’re out of college, your lack of community isn’t anyone’s fault but yours.
Of course, there are exceptions. You may live in a place where walking to your next-door neighbor would be like running a marathon. But for a majority of us, lack of community can be solved with a mindset shift.
Take initiative.
The first habit in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Be Proactive.” That means if you have something in your life you can change, do it. No excuses. Proactive people get things done because they know what they can do and they commit to doing it.
Another way to say it is: take initiative. You know you can approach that other young adult at daily Mass and grab coffee with them, so do it. You know you can go to the Fish Fry and sit down at someone’s table, so do it.
The first step to forming a community is meeting people, and the only way to meet people is to meet them.
Aim lower.
This advice is for the overachievers. You may be imagining your young adult community as 50 people, a group that goes to daily Mass, or hikes together once a week. These groups are very similar to high school youth groups and college campus ministries. They take someone with a full-time job and a budget to run. You need something that requires low commitment and low stress.
Lower your expectations of the activities you will do, their frequency, and the amount of people that will show. You may get tired of planning weekly things. Many young adults will commit to things and cancel. When you start your community, take what you can get.
If two friends come to dinner once a month, I promise that will be fun. The fun they have then will motivate them to come back. Then, it’s just a matter of consistency. Start small and be patient.
Expand the list of candidates.
On my podcast, we often receive questions from people who want community. It’s become a running joke that we tell men to just join the Knights of Columbus. The Knights are a fraternal organization that, at many parishes, are mostly middle-aged and older men who volunteer for the parish.
That stereotype is why many young men are apprehensive to join. Similarly, young women don’t want to join things like Women of Faith or similar groups because of the age. This shows we need to expand our definition of what community is.
Older people can be your friends. In fact, that’s preferable. Older people are generally wiser and can help you through tough parts of your life better than your friends who haven’t experienced those things.
The bad news is, lack of community for young adults is often our own fault.
But the good news is, if it is your fault you can do something about it. On top of that, if you’re part of a parish community you already have a great place to start. Look for existing events at the parish and meet people there.
Take initiative, aim lower, and expand your list of candidates to jumpstart a small community you look forward to being with. On top of that, encourage others to do the same. If we do, we can set an example for younger people and this problem might not exist for the next generation.
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