The Uncertain Task of Figuring Out Your Date

Uncertainty is the last thing anyone wants to deal with.

Considering a new career in a new city can usher in the stupefying fear of “what if.” And what about the moral conundrum one faces when putting distance between a loyal-but-problematic friend? Even a week chalked full of to-do lists and not enough time presents us with decisions to make amid uncertainty.

So then, what better predicament than the most uncertain of them all? You’re not sure the person you’re dating is meant for you.

You’ve been through the mental checklist. Catholic? “Check.” Goes to church? “Yes.” They’re attractive to me? “Check.” Do we share similar interests and values? “I think so.” Is the timing right? “I don’t know.” Maybe their politics don’t square up with yours, but they believe in the teachings of the Church. Maybe they get along with your friends, but you don’t with theirs.

Here is where Satan thrives—uncertainty. In the midst of it he would have us believe in lies that deepen the division between man and woman. Like the things your date said that rub you the wrong way. Or perhaps they showed some flaws in their character. Despite our fumbling through the dark, God somehow reaches down through it and leads you to His will.

So, where do you find His will?

Everyone has a “bag of solutions.”

The first place many of us turn to is those closest to us. They’re great when they can help you sort out your thoughts, but it may not always come with the best advice. Sometimes this can come with a “bag of solutions,” or opinions. There’s nothing wrong with a well-intentioned friend. There’s just simply a lot of space from the tip of their tongue to the heart of your dating partner.

In an interview on General Stanley McChrystal’s book, Leaders: Myth and Reality he described the tendency of organizational leaders to fill uncertainty with a “bag of solutions.” They see a problem and arrive with an easy solution. It’s easy from afar to say others are this or that. But if they walk in with a bag of solutions, they’re almost always wrong. It’s like having a steering wheel to the wrong car. And it’s no different when gathering bad counsel in the dating world.

The next place we turn to is ourselves.

However, it’s tricky in the dating world. We must make judgments on others’ behavior without judging “who they are.” Sometimes the judgement we pass onto others can be hurtful, especially if they’ve made themselves vulnerable. But it’s important to remember that each person we date is first and foremost a child of God and deserving of charity.

The other tricky part about trying to “figure out” a dating partner is that they will be sharing their heart with you, but you don’t know how the pieces fit. Their fears, their past, their insecurities—all of these will be shared. Yet somehow, you’re supposed to figure out if this is “good enough.” But you don’t need to know how their pieces fit together. You just need to know if enough of theirs fit your own.

Should we disregard every opinion our confidants have to offer? Absolutely not. Should we ignore our own intuition or skepticism? No. But instead of relying on that one trusty friend or our own stubbornness, we ought to instead gather our counsel from as many sources as we can, then filter it through the only opinion that matters—God’s.

“But when he comes, the Spirit of truth, he will guide you to all truth.” John 16:13

Strive instead for God’s advice.

We’re called to rely on God’s counsel above all others'. This means we must lean into our support system for advice, use our intellect to sort through it all, and then filter it through our faith. Here are a few helpful ways we can seek His counsel:

1. Give up trying to figure it out.

There’s simply not enough time to figure out who your dating partner is. Who they are, their failings, their tendencies, and how all the pieces of their lives fit together are intricately woven. Even if this person turns out to be who you marry someday, you’ll never be done figuring out who they are!

2. Listen and “collect data.”

There’s an incredible power to simply listening. It’s how we “collect data” and discern God’s will. Fr. Mike Schmitz with Ascension Presents illustrates this with solving for “x” in algebra: “If you have insufficient data, you can’t yet solve for x. ‘I thought if I went on that one date I would know for sure,’ like no, now you have more data so you can discern. Do I need to get more data? Or do I know what I need to know about this person?”

3. Find an uninterested third party.  

Sometimes it can be helpful to find someone without a “stake” in your wellbeing. Finding a counselor, priest, or someone outside your usual support system is a great way to discern. They won’t have the same impulses as those closest to you.

Ultimately, we must spend time with God in silence. It doesn’t necessarily mean we will get an “answer” or know exactly who our dating interest is. But we will get a little glimpse, or a nudge, or an affirmation. And that is enough. Sometimes all we need to know is the next step.