How Do I Get Ready for Marriage When I Haven't Found the One Yet?

Editor's Note: Below is a message that I received from one of our readers. This question sums up what many single Catholics are feeling. We've asked writer Susie Lloyd to answer.

I'm about to turn 21. I feel called to marriage but I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never been on a date or asked out or anything. I've asked guys out but I've only been turned down. I pray all the time for my future spouse. But still I feel so lonely. I try to stay active... I work and go to Mass. I'm also about to enroll in college. I know so many people who are either married or engaged. In fact I know more married/engaged people than I know single people. I would love to see an article written for people who are like me.

Insecurity is no respecter of age. It happens to young, middle, and old alike.

Will I ever meet the one?

Will someone ever love me?

Will I be good enough?

I was just the same at 21.

Like the writer of the message above, I prayed daily for a future spouse. In my case, my prayer was not: "Let me serve you, O Lord, in my future vocation of marriage and family." I confess that my prayer was more like: "Gimme a good guy and make him cute."

The problem was I was all about me. But the good news is, marriage and kids have a way of readjusting our priorities. Meeting the needs of others daily grates against our self-love. Picture your ego meeting a cheese grater. There's your me-monster in a neat pile of teeny pieces.

Strangely, this makes us happy.

But you don't have to wait for marriage to be happy, the better news is you can begin now. Yes, even at 21.

The writer of the heartfelt message above is on the right track:

I try to stay active... I work and go to Mass. I'm also about to enroll in college. 

She's not wallowing in her loneliness. She's doing something meaningful with her life by working. She's praying. What's more, she's about to open up a whole world of interesting possibilities by going to college—learning, developing her talents, and growing as a person.

The only thing she needs to be cautious about is seeing all these things as filler while she waits to really live—that is, until she finds a man to complete her.

It's easy to fall into that way of thinking but it signals to any potential dates that, no matter what your accomplishments,  you are not happy in your own skin. It puts pressure on a potential love interest. Learning and growing for its own sake, though, makes you into a confident person—a person who "has a life" with or without a partner.

A confident person is an attractive person. Due to our celebrity culture, we are programmed to think attractiveness is all in the looks. Well, in the real world, looks are a big help, but they are nothing to confidence. I've met some seriously homely people who pick up friends and attract the opposite sex like magnets on the fridge. Whatever they're doing, you want to be in on it.

Confidence does not mean forwardness.  Which brings me to my next point:

I've asked guys out but I've only been turned down.

Oh dear. I am sorry to hear that. That hurts. If this were my daughter (and I do have four daughters in the same age bracket), here is what I would say.

Did you ever approach a bird in your backyard? You can't go straight up to it because it will fly away. You have to get it to want to come to you.

Think of guys like that. They have a wild side. Most of them do not expect to be pursued straight up. You've got to pique their interests. It usually takes patience.

You can certainly invite them. But it takes finesse. Or at least a reasonable assurance that they are already somewhat interested. So have patience.

Last, I want to speak to this:

I feel called to marriage.

That is a good sign. God puts a desire in our hearts for our true vocation. Whatever it is will make us happy.

If you are truly called to marriage, then do everything you can to prepare for your vocation. Preparing for a vocation involves living your current state in life as best you can.

Marriage is going to require trust. Each spouse will need to trust each other, yes. But mainly, trust in God.

You should be concentrating on what you are supposed to do today—for today's sake. Embrace it. 

God has a plan for you. And it's not some future plan that you have to worry and fret about. It's a plan for today. Surrendering to that plan for today and every day will give you the virtue of hope. Hope will do two things for you: It will give you peace and it will make you attractive to others.

People will want to be around you because they will sense—not that you are anxious and need someone to fill your gaps, but that you possess a touch of the divine wholeness. This is what everyone wants. This is what everyone was created for. This is what a vocation is all about—to lead you to be filled with the divine.

That starts today.