Knowing When it is Time to Break Up

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2015 is well underway and although January and February are tough months for me, personally, (because my favorite season is Summer) the one thing I do enjoy about coming in to a new year is the clean slate effect. We get to start all over, try again, resolve to move forward, not backward. So why not begin with a resolution to always be honest?

Honesty is always the best policy is the old adage, a policy which I fully subscribe to. But truth be told, honesty can be tricky sometimes, don't you think? To illustrate my point, here is an excerpt from an email I received from a young woman who felt she was in a deep dilemma. She wrote:

For several months, I've been dating a man I find extremely attractive and things are going well, except for the fact that the more I get to know him, the more I know he is not the one for me. When we first began dating I was head-over-heels for him, but now I'm starting to see him more as a friend. He, on the other hand, is getting serious. It seems our passion for each other has been on opposite ends the whole time. I believe the best thing for me to do is to end the relationship, but I can't bring myself to do it because it will hurt him and I don't want to do that. What should I do?

First of all, isn't this what dating is all about? Figuring out if the one you're dating is the one you'll spend your life with. But, this is a common dilemma for men and women alike because no one likes to be the one to break it off. My short answer is it is better to be upfront and honest than to continue pretending to feel what you don't feel. There will be hurt when you break up, of course, but living a lie is never a good thing. Remaining in a dating relationship with someone who loves you but whom you do not love not only perpetuates lies and hurt, it keeps you both from finding the right person, the one you are supposed to marry and be happy with. Not being honest in a situation like this is exactly how people slide into marriages they don't really want and eventually end up in divorce. The pain and suffering from that is immeasurable and I don't want anyone to experience that so... tell the truth!

Take The Truth Challenge

I'd like to offer you a little food for thought on this issue as well as a little challenge for the new year. Since we are just coming out of the Christmas season, I think it's appropriate to look to the readings from a few Sundays ago when we celebrated the Epiphany of the Lord and the story of the three Wise Men.

The Bible tells us very little about these three kings from the Orient. What we do know is that they were seeking the Christ child. And if you think about it, it's not typical that a king would seek out another king with the intention of paying homage to him. Kings typically seek homage from others. So the fact that these three kings were seeking to pay homage to a tiny baby and they were willing to make a difficult journey with very little instruction to go by just to adore this child means they were humble men. They were humble men seeking the truth of their lives. Christ was their savior—he was the truth they were seeking.

So as we begin this new year and we have our clean slate let's make this a year where we seek the truth and live it to it's fullest capacity. Seeking the truth in your life is like having a key to unlock that cell you're stuck in. It opens the door and sets you free. Being honest and accepting the consequences that go with being honest is an act of humility. Just as the three kings, who were indeed royalty and were adored by others, bowed before baby Jesus, so must we.

Here are a few questions to reflect upon should you take up the challenge:

  • After taking some time to reflect, in which situations are you most likely to hide the truth from others (family, friends, dates, co-workers, etc.)? Do you honestly set expectations with your date, such as your commitment to remain chaste or if you've been dating a while, whether or not you are ready to get married?
  • Are you able to admit your mistakes or are there people in your life whom you are blaming for your circumstances? Why are you blaming them? Is it possible that they are not completely to blame and that you may be partly responsible?

If you want to make 2015 your year of truth I'd like to propose working on the virtue of humility because in order to hear and receive the truth, we must be humble. And remember, humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.

Thanks for all your emails and feedback and keep them coming to asklisa@catholicmatch.com. If you'd like to read more about being the role honesty plays in becoming more attractive and finding a lasting relationship, check out my new book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce, due out this Spring at LisaDuffy.com.

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