First Dates Around the Holidays: How to Avoid "Cuffing Season"

I had not heard of “cuffing season” until recently.

According to Merriam-Webster, cuffing season is a phase of the year when single people start looking for temporary sweethearts for the sole purpose of not being lonely. Cuffing season starts in October and ends in February, effectively covering most of the major holidays like Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day. Why does cuffing happen? Usually out of loneliness, desperation, or a desire to tell nosy relatives at Christmas that you’re finally seeing someone.

You already know, this is not a good way to build a marriage.

Since you’re here on CatholicMatch, you already know dating shouldn’t include a cuffing season. It won’t lead you to good matches or a future spouse, and you are not a cuffer. Good job! So what does this post have to offer you?

There are a couple of specific factors about the timing of cuffing season, which can affect your Catholic dating life:

1. Cuffing season happens over Christmas, New Years, and Valentine’s Day. What else happens at those same times? A whole bunch of new people joining (or rejoining) CatholicMatch! Thus, there might be a lot of new matches in your area or age range, or a lot more people might be a lot more active online. This is really cool! But. . . 
2. With all this new online participation, how can you tell a “cuffer” from a typical single Catholic? Also, how do you make sure YOU don’t come across as a cuffer this time of year?!

First, let’s address how to NOT come across as a holiday cuffer.

So, obviously, tons of people join CatholicMatch around the holidays, which makes it a prime time to make new connections and start up new conversations. And hopefully, go on some new dates! But how do you make sure all these new people see you as marriage material, and not a seasonal cuffer?

• First, don’t be afraid to reach out to a lot of new people. You should not stay away from online dating out of concern for cuffing season! So play the field and throw your fishing line out to a bunch of potential catches.

• Treat your online conversations the same as you would any other type of year. Take your time getting to know each other at a rate where you’re both comfortable, and take it one step at a time. There is no rush, and time won’t hurt the right relationship!

• Similarly, treat first phone calls, video chats, and dates the same as you would the rest of the year. You can still embrace the holiday season, of course, with dates like going out for hot cocoa or walking around Main Street to see Christmas lights. But stick to the normal first date rules of thumb, like keeping things short and sweet and steering clear of “discernment” talk.

• Do NOT reach out to exes or CatholicMatchers who have previously ended conversations with you. This is not the time of year to be trying to breathe life back into old flames! Often, said flame will feel like you are only returning to them because it’s cuffing season. If you really, truly have a good reason for returning to an old relationship, wait until after the holidays to do so.

• At all costs, AVOID inviting a new date to family parties, group celebrations, weddings, or giant crowd events. Even if it would be really fun to go to, or it’s a favorite tradition of yours, don’t bring a new person. They will often think you are desperate to show them off, or they’ll feel pressured you’re looking for something way more serious than a first date can offer. So if you’re single, stick with friends and family as plus-ones for big events.

Now for the second point, which is people trying to cuff you.

First off, falling into cuffing season doesn’t make someone evil! It usually stems from being really lonely and desperate enough to settle, which means they’re probably not ready for an intentional relationship yet. So, how do you know if someone reaching out to you is a cuffer? Watch for these red flags:

• An ex reaching out for apparently no reason besides they “miss you” or “haven’t hung out in a while.” You should reconnect with an old flame only if their legitimate reason for breaking up with you has gone away, such as “I discerned out of seminary” or “my annulment has been finalized.” Otherwise, they might be trying to cuff you.

• A sudden uptick in your online messages from people whose standards, values, goals, or faith lives differ very strongly from yours. If you and this new person have some baseline incompatibilities like chastity, the Eucharist, or marriage, you might be looking at a cuffer.

• A brand-new date who mentions what their family thinks of you, or how their mom reacted when they told her they had a new significant other, or how they’re so glad they’re not single anymore. If a person is more focused on their status with you, than they are on you, there’s a good chance they’ve fallen into the cuffing season trap.

• If someone says “I’m lonely” or “I would love to have a date for New Years Eve” or “Everyone else seems to be paired off for Christmas,” believe them. They are telling you outright how cuffing season is getting to them! 

There’s one final situation you may find yourself facing.

Let’s say you run across a few cuffing red flags in a message or profile, but the person actually seems like they’d be a good fit for you. They might be acting like a cuffer, but there’s some seriously good potential in their profile! What do you do then?

My advice is to play the slow game here. Don’t rush into anything, and take your time with messaging and phone calls. If the person disappears or suddenly pairs off with someone else, you’ve dodged a cuffer. But if this person sticks around for more than just the upcoming holiday, you might be looking at a great date.

This leads us to a final and very important distinction.

Relationships started because of cuffing season often end poorly. But relationships which start during cuffing season, not because of it, are normal! Don’t freak out if you meet someone cool and happen to start dating in December. Don’t doubt your entire relationship just because your first date was Valentine’s Day.

In the end, cuffing season comes down to mindset and goals. If your mindset is centered on finding a good spouse instead of loneliness, and your goal is an intentional relationship instead of merely having a date for the holidays, you’re doing just fine.