Should I Date a Non-Catholic?

When I was a senior in high school, I dated a Protestant girl.

One unfortunate side effect of this was the occasional fear that dating her was against the rules for some reason. People would make sweeping declarations like “never date a non-Catholic!” So, whenever I clicked on a blog or video about that, I would immediately worry that I was about to find out I was doing something wrong.

So, fear not. This is not one of those articles. Dating a non-Catholic is not, in fact, against the rules.

That said, there are important things you need to know.

Don’t Evangedate.

“Evangedate” means to date someone with the hope of converting them in the process. If you think that describes you, you need to reevaluate how you view evangelization and relationships. Remember, only God can convert hearts. Also, by expecting them to change, you are placing yourself above your significant other, which will lead to dysfunction down the line. 

A subtler form of evangedating is expecting them to do “Catholic things” like going to Mass or praying the rosary. Unless your significant other has shown interest in these things, don’t bring them up over and over. 

People get uncomfortable around things that aren’t familiar. That’s just normal. If you’ve been Catholic your whole life, or even for a few years, you probably know the lingo. You know all the words and the postures at Mass, but they don’t and are likely to feel alienated.

Additionally, if you happen to be more theology-minded, not evangedating may be tough for you. Your significant other will likely say something incorrect about the Church or something about the faith and your instinct will be to jump in and correct them with a “Well, actually, St. Thomas says...” No. Don’t do that. 

In a debate, bringing up arguments for Catholicism is fine, but a relationship is not a debate, it’s a journey. Every person is on a journey towards God and everyone, even faithful Catholics, are incorrect about a few things. When you’re journeying with someone, you don’t correct them by speaking to their mind, but to their heart.

Share your faith (both of you).

That being said, faith is not off-limits for discussion. Quite the opposite. It’s just that you have to be okay with giving them equal time to share. Dating is among equals. That means the other person has something to share from their faith or life experience. Relationships are about valuing what the other person says, believes, and feels, even if you differ. 

When differences arise, they are an opportunity to grow with each other, if you are both humble enough to accept each other. This means being eager to share your faith with them. If they care about you, I’m sure they want to hear. On the flip side, if you care about them, you will want to listen. Encourage them to talk about their faith and truly listen.

When you feel ready to share aspects of Catholicism, you’re in luck. The Church has a treasury of prayers from over the centuries. Find a few that you love and share them with your significant other. Ask them questions about favorite ways to pray and find prayer traditions of the Church that match their preferences. Find something you both resonate with and grow in that devotion together. You may be surprised to find they love the Rosary, the Anima Christi, the Divine Mercy Chaplet, Liturgy of the Hours, etc. 

Most importantly, communicate.

If you have apprehensions about your relationship, bring it up with them. A dating relationship should be a place where you can safely share your hopes and your concerns. The worst thing you can do in a relationship is to keep your feelings to yourself. If you’re worried about something, maybe they are too, and you can work it out together. 

Communicating and problem solving is incredibly important in a relationship. My wife and I always feel closer after we confront a problem, no matter how hard it is. If you’re already dating someone who isn’t Catholic and you have these concerns, be the first one to put yourself out there. Bring up the problem and try to work through it.

Don’t be afraid of non-Catholics.

The Protestant Reformation began on Halloween in 1517, but that doesn’t mean you should be scared of non-Catholics. I have great friendships with non-Catholics that have helped me grow closer to Christ.

I do have to say, I am no longer dating that girl from high school and we broke up because of our faith differences. She said she wouldn’t be able to raise our kids Catholic unless she was Catholic and decided she was never going to become Catholic.

This is the truth of all relationships: faith comes first. Christ is found fully in the one, holy, Catholic, and apostolic Church, and to choose the Church is to choose Him. While dating a non-Catholic is absolutely okay, your faith is an unchangeable part of who you are.

Dating a non-Catholic comes down to your ability to discern. When you pray daily and communicate constantly with God, your will becomes united with His. This means the decisions you make will be, ultimately, for your salvation and the salvation of those around you. While it is perfectly fine, you both need to approach the relationship with discernment.