Why Pronouns Matter in Marriage

Who knew that pronouns could become a source of conflict in a marriage?

I didn’t. 

But woe unto thee when you fail to use “we.” Allow me to explain.

Communication, being an essential marital virtue, is one of those no-brainers for a couple. In our marriage of almost four years, my wife and I have made it a priority to be open and transparent and share our concerns regularly, if for no other reason than to avoid minor miscommunications from becoming major clashes. Communication in marriage is like marital WD-40. When it’s present, things go smoother. When it’s absent, life is filled with friction.

I just didn’t expect that such conflict could arise from a dispute over personal pronouns.

One recent evening, we were discussing how to respond to a crisis in our extended family. Our discussion took a left turn when I suddenly realized a struggle I had been having. In a moment of candor, I confessed to Patrice how, even after three years of marriage, I sometimes struggled to say “we,” saying “I” instead.

The smirk on her face was followed by a terse “I know.”

“Uh-oh,” I thought. And the Pronoun Debacle of 2021 began.

What I thought was a not-so-obvious habit was, in fact, a more-than-obvious source of irritation for my bride. My linguistic stumble occurred anytime I spoke in the singular vs. plural form. “Mine” rather than “ours.” “Me” when it should have been “us.” But the most common form of my grammatical faux pas occurred when I used the singular “I” instead of the plural “we.”

I just had dinner at Longhorns—when it was a date with my wife.

I went shopping—when my wife accompanied me to Macy’s.

I cut the grass. Well, never mind, that’s a proper use of the singular first-person pronoun as she only supervises the lawn cutting.

When I openly confessed my grammatical gaffe, my wife explained how those verbal slips affected her. It made her feel like our current marriage was less than my previous one. That somehow, she was failing to be the wife I needed her to be—and thus, not worthy of being a “we” with me.

I was stunned. “No, no, NO, that’s not it!” I exclaimed. The proverbial light bulb went on, and in a moment of enlightenment, I understood the dilemma.

My entire adult life, I had always spoken in plural terms.

Having married my first wife in college, we were always a “we.” Speaking in plural form became an easy habit—for thirty-eight plus years. When cancer invaded our lives, and I lost my first wife, it forced me into a singular lifestyle. During those first few years without her, I found myself struggling to say “I.” I kept correcting myself when I inadvertently said “we” again and again and again. Part of my grieving process was learning how to be comfortable saying “I.” And it was a struggle.

It took me years. My usage of pronouns became a gauge of my grief process. Eventually, the “I” finally took hold.  Once it did, I found I was able to move on.

Getting married after six years of being a widower transformed me once again into a “we.” Then why was it so difficult to start using plural pronouns instead of the singular version? My new bride feared that my slow transition to plural forms reflected a lack of teamwork, that we were not really partners or a couple and had yet to fully “become one.”

Ouch.

Having struggled so much to use the proper singular pronoun as a widower, the “I” had become ingrained within me. It became so hardwired into my mental and verbal speech habits that it flowed naturally. Now, as a husband of three-plus years, I often use “we” when discussing the things we do together. It was only the occasional inappropriate use of “I” that became the grain of sand in the marital bed.  

Our commitment to communicate and be transparent has helped me grow and deal with my blind spots.

With both of us retired, we spend a lot of time together. My wife helps edit my blog posts, she is my confidante, and we both acknowledge that we have shared things with each other that no other human soul has heard, even our priests! We are a team, a couple, and a husband and wife.

When Scripture speaks of the “two shall become one,” I believe it is more than just a physical reference. It also speaks to the oneness of spirit and mind. We are no longer two “I’s”; we are one “we.” Learning to act, think, and speak as a couple is a crucial step toward marital bliss.

One more thing. Men, lest we forget, there are still times when a husband should use only the singular form of the personal pronoun. For example, whenever a husband says, “I’m sorry,” “forgive me,” or “I love you.” And don’t overlook the most appreciated one of all—“Honey, I’ll do the dishes.”