How Far is Too Far? (Hint: You’re Asking the Wrong Question)

I wasn’t sure why the speaker picked my friend Matt to come up on stage instead of me.

After all, I raised my hand first and he saw me first. But he picked Matt. After he slapped a wig on Matt and threw him over his shoulder I understood. At 240 pounds, I would have been a bit much for the speaker to handle.

The speaker carried Matt close to the edge of the stage and said, “How far can I go before we both fall off?” Obviously, that question made no sense. He should get away from the edge of the stage, not ask how close he can get without falling off and getting hurt.

The speaker’s point was: this is how we act when we ask the question “How far is too far?” when it comes to physical affection in dating. If you’ve been dating someone for a while and this question has come up, don’t worry. You’re not alone.

Why we ask the question.

There’s no shame in asking this question. It’s honest. You should WANT to show physical affection to the person you are dating, that makes sense. It would be strange if you didn’t have feelings of sexual desire for your partner until right after your wedding. But there are a couple of reasons why someone would ask this question.

The first reason is the nobler one. You want to be able to show affection to the person you love. Easy! You love the person you are with and want to show them that in a variety of different ways. 

The second reason is from a less noble place. Some of us ask this question because we don’t want to “miss out” on the pleasure that comes with certain actions. The tendency to put your own sexual desire before what is right is called lust and it’s one of the biggest obstacles to a healthy relationship.

If we’re being honest, most of us fall somewhere in between these two reasons. It’s important to recognize these two motivations for asking this question so you can really search yourself: What are you looking for when you express physical affection? Are you looking to show love or are you looking for physical pleasure?

“How can I give?” not, “What can I get?”

These two reasons are why the question “How far is too far?” is so difficult to answer. The person asking it might be asking one of two very different questions: How can I give? or What can I get?

If you think you lean more towards the “What can I get?” side of the question, I encourage you to rethink your approach to dating or rethink dating altogether. All relationships require some kind of sacrifice, and if you are constantly looking for what you can get out of a relationship, you won’t be able to make that sacrifice when the need arises.

The “How can I give?” question lines up with the Catholic concept of chastity. Another way to put it is: “How can I love?” Chastity is a virtue that helps you discern how to show love in the right way to the right people. A chaste person knows how much love they can give and when. They know what kind of actions express what kind of love and know that some actions are reserved for marriage, dating, friendship, etc.

We often hear about chastity in the context of sex and there’s a reason for that. Sex is a physical expression of two people giving themselves completely to one another. Chastity helps us recognize the only proper context for that act is in marriage, where two people have given their whole lives to each other.

The straight answer.

The straight answer to the question “How can I show love?” is this: since you can only fully give yourself to your spouse, sex and anything that resembles sex is too far. But sex doesn’t just happen. To make sure you don’t cross that line, you need to make sure you avoid anything that leads you to sex. This is called avoiding the “near occasion of sin.”

Now comes the hard part. You might know what near occasions of sin are for YOU, but do you know what they are for your partner? After you have been dating someone for a while (this is not a “three dates in” conversation), you should take time to openly discuss boundaries. Recognize where their boundaries are and respect them. 

While the question “how far is too far?” doesn’t have a definite answer, it’s easier when you start to ask the right question. When you ask yourself “how can I love this person?” you can begin to lay the groundwork for a healthy, chaste relationship.