Ladies, How You Look Matters (But, Maybe Not for the Reasons You Think)

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Ah, the unwritten rule of the dating world.

The beautiful girl in your parish always has a couple of suitors trailing after her. Your pretty friend gets an unfair share of messages online. It all points to this: looks matter.

I’m not here to dispute that, because in dating, looks really do matter. No, they are not the ONLY thing that matters, and they are definitely not the most important thing. But they do matter for a few reasons. Let’s get into why beauty holds so much sway in romance.

Beauty's value lies in what it represents.

Throughout the history of mankind, beauty = health, which obviously was and still is a hugely desirable quality in a mate. Nowadays, being healthily beautiful means you value the body and being God gave you. No matter your hair color, height, or features, health is the number one factor in beauty.

Beyond physical health, outward beauty can also be a visual expression to represent what you value. For instance, a cross necklace clearly indicates your Christianity, while a latex catsuit might suggest the wearer is of less moral character. Beauty in itself might be pleasing to the eye, but the beauty that matters is the one used to represent truth. This can be applied to many, many things; but here, let’s focus on why it matters so much in dating.

Beauty plays a big role in online and the early stages of dating.

Generally speaking, the early romantic stages run on first impressions and the elusive “spark,” both of which are tied closely to appearances. Attraction plays a very important part in romance and marriage, and beauty definitely supports this.

In addition, daters can clue in to what another person values by how they present themselves. (Connecting the dots with me?) He who arrives at a first date in a torn T-shirt and in need of a shower gives the impression of being a slob. A lady who wears a little makeup or feminine clothes to a date signals her appreciation of the natural differences between the genders. In the messaging and first date phase, these little impressions make a big difference to how your date perceives you. This is especially true when we’re talking about photos online, because there’s very little else to go on!

Men in particular judge romantic interest by appearances.

And it's not a bad thing! Remember how beauty is a representation of what you value? We touched on it a little bit earlier, but dive deeper with me. Good men usually want to marry a woman who isn’t afraid of or denying her feminine nature. Why? Marriage is between a man and a woman, two very different sexualities. (Thus why women want to marry a masculine man—it’s the design of the Sacrament itself.)

So in dating, men look for a woman who values her femaleness itself. The first and easiest way to spot it is how a woman looks. It makes logical sense for a man to judge more by appearance based on gender roles, too. It usually lies on his shoulders to make the first move in romantic pursuit, so he naturally seeks out women who appear to value what he does.

Beauty FAQs:

  • Do I have to be dressed up constantly?! Of course not. This is all within the realm of reason. You shouldn’t change your personality by wearing clothes you don’t like or spending an hour a day doing makeup. Merely take care of your health with a decent diet and exercise routine you enjoy. Pick a wardrobe you feel good wearing. If you’re looking to highlight your feminine attributes, explore a few uniquely female things like makeup, jewelry, or hairstyles. These simple steps will set you apart from the modern androgyny and represent to the world how you value yourself and your God-given sexuality.

  • Some people are born beautiful, how am I supposed to compete with that? Yep, sometimes nature is unfair. We all look different, and the point of beauty is not to all compete for the same ideal. The point is highlighting your feminine nature, for which the only prerequisite standard is to be female. This can be done through countless personal expressions! However you choose to present yourself, remember: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you're looking for romance, you don't need to attract everyone—just the right one. There is someone out there who will think you are absolutely GORGEOUS, no matter what anyone else thinks. So calm down, do the best with what you have, and don’t worry about everyone else. The right people will appreciate you!

  • I’m no fitness model and never can be—what am I supposed to do? Simply taking care of the body you have is the biggest step in cultivating beauty. Being reasonable with fitness is a great course of action, and fitness has far more benefits to your dating life than just looks. You don’t need to spend three hours at the gym every day, but it is reasonable to find an active hobby to engage in several times a week. You don’t need to fit Marilyn Monroe’s measurements, but it is reasonable to maintain a healthy body weight for your height. See what I mean?

  • Do men get a free pass on looking good? No, men also need to take care of their bodies and health. But when it comes to superficial appearances, it is a little more difficult for them to represent the more masculine traits of strength and power. Typically, the masculine traits aren’t as easily represented to the viewer as are feminine traits. A lady can do her hair, change her clothes, or put on some lipstick to signal her femaleness, whereas a very strong man can’t just walk around shirtless to signal his six pack. It is important for men to cultivate healthy bodies and value their masculinity, but just keep this in mind: men simply don’t have the arsenal of aesthetic choices that women do when it comes to beauty!

Is looking good the real map to romantic success? Of course not.

It’s merely the compass needle that points to what we value. But remember, compasses are useful, too. They point you in the right direction, but after that, it’s up to you. It’s the same with beauty. Appearances can give you a general direction of who you like and what they value, but after that, the hard work of building real relationships is up to you. Attraction can grow over time, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and yes, looks can still be deceiving sometimes. Don’t let that stop you from pursuing true beauty in yourself and how God made you. You’re the person someone out there is seeking—it can’t hurt to look the part!

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