Engaged Isn't Married

Jim: To tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam.

Michael: If you like her so much, don’t give up.

Jim: She’s engaged.

Michael: BFD. Engaged isn’t married.

Breaking ties

It is no secret here at the CatholicMatch Institute that I love The Office. And that one of the primary reasons I love The Office is the Pam and Jim storyline, which I believe is one of the greatest television love stories of all time.

One of the more controversial elements of that story is the fact that, when nice-guy Jim finally declared his feelings for Pam, she was engaged to another guy. So is Jim really such a nice guy?

What kind of man would declare his love to another man’s fiance?

Well, there’s Jim, and there’s a guy I read about in a New York Times article who went back to his engaged ex-girlfriend after a reporter encouraged him to be honest about his feelings.

The wrong man

And then there’s my Dad.

My Mom was engaged to be married—but not to my Dad. She had a dress and a date and everything. About five months before the wedding, my Dad—who had dated her previously, moved out of state, heard about her engagement, long story—blew back into town.

And he didn't just declare his feelings. He proposed to her, right then and there.

I guess you know which one she married.

So perhaps I’m a bit biased when it comes to these “engaged isn’t married” stories, since I owe my very existence to my Dad’s courage in pursuing my Mom even while she was engaged to someone else.

But does that make it right?

It's not too late

Well, let's start with Pam and Jim. Of course it is obvious to us fans that Pam and Jim belong together, and that marrying Roy would be a huge mistake. Because he is an inconsiderate lunkhead, and Pam is only settling with him because they’ve been together since high school and he’s the only guy she’s ever dated. She obviously has feelings for Jim, and when she gets enough distance from the situation, she realizes that and (spoiler alert) eventually marries him.

But Pam and Jim are, unfortunately, fictional characters.

So let’s talk about my parents. When my Dad proposed to my Mom, he knew that she was engaged. What he didn’t know was that, when she was trying on wedding dresses, she was wishing that she was marrying my Dad instead of Other Guy. She still had feelings for him, but didn't think he was available, so she saw no reason to wait around for a man she didn’t think she could ever marry.

If my Dad hasn’t done what he did—if he hadn’t shown up and spoken up—my Mom would have married a man she didn’t love as much as she loved my Dad. In her own words, it would have been a mistake. Just as Pam marrying Roy would have been a mistake.

Marriage is a big deal

So what if it goes the other way? What if a man declares his feelings for an engaged woman, and she doesn’t share them? Well, I guess she tells him that, and then she goes on to marry the man she's planning to marry.  And they are even stronger as a couple for having survived that challenge.

Here’s the thing: marriage is a really, really, really big deal. It is a lifetime commitment—or at least it’s supposed to be. If we want marriages to be as strong as possible, then the two people involved need to go into marriage with as much relevant information as possible. And the fact that somebody else is in love with one of them could definitely be relevant information. Especially if those feelings could be reciprocated. Especially if knowing that could impact the decision to marry.

I guess that’s why, immediately before couple gets married, the celebrant asks if anybody knows any reason why they shouldn’t be wed. Even at that last minute, they are still making sure that the parties have all of the information they need to make this enormous commitment.

Engagement is not a sacrament

Once somebody is married, then yes—it’s too late. The commitment has been made. The sacrament is in effect. At that point the two truly belong to each other, for better or for worse, forever. At that point, the right thing to do is to keep one’s mouth shut. Forever.

But engagement isn't a sacrament. It isn’t a covenant. It’s a step on the road. But it isn’t the final step. It isn’t binding. Engagement is still a time of discernment. And if one party discovers something that makes them realize they shouldn’t make that commitment—well, then that’s a good thing. Better before the wedding than afterward.

So, for once, it appears that Michael Scott actually gave good advice.

Engaged isn’t married.