Online Dating and Realistic Expectations

So you’ve joined CatholicMatch. Let me be the first to say: GOOD CHOICE!

You are putting your faith first and diving into a huge pool of fellow believers. What better way to put yourself out there and meet other singles?

Maybe it’s your first time online. Perhaps you’re a returning member, eager to dive back in after your time away. Or you could be a long-time, frustrated dater who feels like you’re just going through the motions. Whatever your situation, there’s a silent question in the back of your mind: When will online dating pay off for you?

That question comes with a teensy problem. (Okay fine, not so teensy.) Everyone defines “pay off” differently. In other words, everyone has different expectations for online dating. And these vary wildly from one extreme to the other! And when expectations fail to happen, it’s easy to get disappointed.

So wherever you are in your online dating journey, you can benefit from checking your expectations and making sure they’re realistic. In general, there are four primary categories to review:

1. Who you will meet.

Although profiles often look like the perfect matches, most people end up dating someone they didn’t expect to. Which is a really good thing! If you go into online dating looking only for your “type,” you are bound to be disappointed. Imagining a perfect spouse for yourself (and trying to hunt them down through profiles) is a recipe for disaster.

Instead of writing out a long list of desires in a date, set your expectations on an empty slate. Don’t worry so much about appearances, preferences, and how exactly they worded their profile. Let conversations, messages, and the other person fill up your empty slate. Over time, other members will show you who they are and why they want to talk to you, and you should give them a chance. In the end, you know you’re not in charge of your future—God is. Start online dating with that in mind, and be open to whom He wants you to meet.

2. How long it will take to meet someone (or even The One).

It is unreasonable to expect to meet The One on your first day on CatholicMatch. Or the first week, month, or sometimes year. Getting to know people takes lots of time, and literally everyone’s experience is different. My twin sister, friends, and my now-husband all were on and offline for several years, and talked to a large variety of people. I am the crazy anomaly: my future husband messaged me literally the first day I joined CatholicMatch. But here’s the really important part: I didn’t know he was The One at the time. If I had tried to think like that, I probably would never have responded to him at all.

If you join online dating intending to hunt down The One, you are putting the cart way before the horse. You cannot tell by a profile, messages, or phone call who your future spouse is. The only way to know is to build a relationship in the real world. And that takes time. Sometimes years and years. Through all that time, you have to keep talking to people and going out with people. Which leads me to the next point . . .

3. How much effort you should put in.

The online dating game is like most things in life: you get out of it the same amount you put into it. If you want to have good results, you have to put in the effort. Obviously, don’t make online dating your full-time job! But think: if you are spending half an hour a week online, and talking to only one person a month, your potential romances will be pretty slim. You simply haven’t made space for them to grow. However, if you talk to multiple people and spend a few hours a week online, your options will be much broader.

It’s important to be open minded about who you talk to, like we already discussed; but there’s no point unless you actually put forth the effort to talk to people. Put those two together, and you’ll have a much better experience online dating. That said, everyone has different schedules and lives, so be reasonable. Carve out the same amount of time for CatholicMatch as you would for learning a new skill, like knitting or dancing. Thinking of it like a hobby will keep you putting in a good effort without letting it take over your life.

4. What moving offline looks like and leads to.

First off, there’s no one right way to move from online chatting to in-person dates. Some people swap numbers after a few weeks, some wait a couple of months. It’s all a personal preference, and shouldn’t be taken too seriously. It’s an easy trap to get hung up on how you should move offline when the important thing is just moving offline at all, however it looks. There’s no wrong way to take a conversation into the real world!

Secondly, we revisit the cart before the horse thing. It’s so tempting to think, once you’re finally on that video chat or date, that this relationship is really going somewhere. In the majority of situations, that’s not the case. No matter how much you’ve chatted on CatholicMatch messaging, a phone call might tell you that you’re just not cut out for each other. No matter how much you feel invested, a first date is still the very first one and can’t be considered a courtship. You might hit it off, or you might hit a dud. Don’t worry too much either way! The early stages of dating should be treated as such until you and your date have a serious conversation, face to face, and agree otherwise.

Expectations can be slippery things.

Sometimes they’re all we can focus on, and sometimes we have them without even knowing it. And sometimes, not having any can sabotage you just the same as having too many. The key to success lies in being reasonable and realistic. I have faith in you! Simply being here and reading this article means you are looking to make the most of your online experience and become a better dater. If you keep working to improve yourself and keep an open mind, God will lead you wherever He wants you to go. There are good things ahead of you, and you might even find them here on CatholicMatch!