Can You Tell Your Type From One Photo?

Have you ever seen someone glance at a photo and immediately say, "No thanks, that's not my type"?

A few years ago, I was at a conference having a conversation with a Catholic man in his thirties about his desire for marriage and his unfortunate, bleak dating prospects. He was feeling discouraged as he went on date after date, with many women who didn’t seem to care about anything of depth, who didn’t share in his values, his faith, or his vision for marriage and family.

After speaking with him for awhile, I could gather that he was a good, sincere, hardworking, and honest man, so I began thinking about the wonderful women I know who I could possibly set him up on a date with—women who are generous, loving, kind, and holy...women who, by his description of his ideal wife, seemed to be exactly what he was looking for.

I showed him a few photos of different women I know who are single, available, faithful Catholic women (I know many!). He responded flatly, “Thank you for trying to help, but they are definitely not my type.”

Do you have a mental image of what your spouse should look like?

His type? I was talking to a man who had just communicated that he was in earnest search of a generous, loving, faithful wife, and he dismissed them for not being his type, simply based on some photographs.

I was so puzzled and surprised in the moment...but since that conversation this is something I have seen in the world of Catholic dating pop up again and again. Too many in the dating world are quick to judge a book by its cover. When we have a mental image of what our future spouse will look like, we can become so fixated on this image that we dismiss anyone who doesn’t come close to fitting the bill! This has caused many people to miss out on good relationships—and possibly even their spouse!

Much of this conversation boils down to the foundational question: Is physical attraction important in a relationship?

Yes. Is it important in a marriage? Certainly.

Here is a question that I find even more important when considering the importance of immediate physical attraction to a person: Would every man who has ever gotten married have looked at a photograph of his spouse before they met and said, “Yes. She is totally my type...set me up with her!"

No.

The same is true for women. Not every married couple would tell you that they had instant chemistry and attraction to one another, because attraction, chemistry, connection—those go so much deeper than the skin, and sometimes physical attraction follows attraction to the heart.

Seeing a photo of your future spouse probably won’t set off fireworks in your heart. You may look at someone’s photos and think, “Wow, he is so attractive,” or “Wow, she is so beautiful.” But if all you are looking for is a person who looks a certain way, what are you really looking for?

A photograph of a person doesn’t communicate their story, their love for the Lord, their qualities, characteristics, and attributes. It is in learning about a person in contact and communication where you can learn about their capacity for service, for love, for selflessness—the things that really, truly matter in a marriage—the things that make marriages last.

Don't bypass wonderful men or women simply because you didn't feel an initial spark.

So, perhaps this man I met at this conference is like you. Perhaps you are so fixated on dating someone who is your “type,” or someone who you feel instant physical attraction to, that you are bypassing wonderful men or women who have the most beautiful hearts and would make incredible partners on life’s journey.

I was too surprised by this man’s response in the moment to tell him what I really wanted to say, but I will share with you now what I wish I would have said to him then: Smash the imaginary “mold” you have consciously or subconsciously created that you hope your future spouse will fit into.

It may be the one thing that keeps you from going on a date with the most wonderful woman or man you’d ever know in your life. And nobody I have ever met has expressed a desire to miss out on that. Break open your box of what you think your “type” may be, and give yourself the opportunity to be surprised by what may come.