How to Know Your Boyfriend Is (or isn’t!) Husband Material

You’ve made it…sort of!

Your careful curation of your profile (perhaps with the help of a gal pal or two), thoughtfully crafted messages (or responses), and expert-level sleuthing (I see you, new member and birthday sections!) on CatholicMatch have paid off and you’re in a relationship. Go you! 

Now what?

Of course, the first little while together may be more (or less, if you’re like my friend circle!) low-key, getting to know his interests, his preferences, his day-to-day life. At some point, though, you’ll start asking yourself a bigger question. In so many words, the thought will cross your mind: 

“Is this guy husband material?” 

I offer the following thoughts for your consideration as you discern. 

A man who is husband material knows how to say ‘yes’... 

To commitment.

Your future husband is ready and able to commit to you, meaning that he’s free from addiction, of any kind (I previously covered why this isn’t being judgmental), be it to gambling, video games, sex, alcohol, drugs, or something else. He understands that the sexual drive is always meant to be oriented towards self-gift rather than selfishness, so masturbation and pornography have no place in his life.

If either or both of these things previously had a place in his life but do not now, seek counsel from a trusted spiritual advisor or Catholic therapist to understand what resisting those temptations in healthy ways long-term can look like and what challenges they might present for a marriage relationship. 

Similarly, past relationships are in the past, and there’s no hanging on to old girlfriends through private text conversations or social media “stalking.” Sure, like this couple, he may get together in a group (that includes you) with an old romantic interest, but everyone is clear on who is with who, and there’s no flirting. Out of respect for you, he doesn’t hang out one-on-one with any other women he’s not related to by blood. His interactions with other women, as with all areas of his life, are out in the open. 

You will know he’s husband material when you are “200% convinced that he’s 100% convinced about you.”  He’ll demonstrate with his actions that he’s taken to heart this concept from a Christian movie from the 2000s:

“When the man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes and dislikes, habits and hobbies... If the amount he studied her before he married her was equal to a high school degree, he should continue to learn about her until he gains a college degree, a Master’s degree, and ultimately, a Doctorate degree. It is a lifelong journey that draws his heart ever closer to hers.” 

A man who is husband material pursues your heart, on purpose. 

To self-gift.

He understands the male roles of protector and provider. When I thought about what differentiated past boyfriends from my now husband, I recognized that one didn’t have any concrete plan for what he wanted from life. He had some hobbies, but no real plan for what he wanted to accomplish. Of course it’s ok and expected that a person’s goals would change over time, but a man who is husband material has aspirations of his own and doesn’t simply latch on to whatever you want out of life. 

Another old flame knew what his interests were, but had no plan for how to financially provide for a family. Don’t get me wrong. When my husband and I met, he was teaching high school Math. When we discussed the possibility of me eventually staying home in some capacity, we knew that it would be really tough living on his salary alone. We gradually made a plan for him to pursue a career that used his math skills and had the earning potential to provide for our family.

Maybe staying at home isn’t part of your hopes for the future, but a man who is husband material takes seriously his responsibility to provide for his family, and you two have frank, realistic conversations about what that might look like financially. 

One more thing: a man who is husband material doesn’t need you to do all his laundry, take over his finances, make all his meals, or fix his life in general. Each time you do something kind for him, he’s appreciative, and you’re glad to show your love. But he doesn’t need you to do these things. 

To a relationship with Christ.

A man who is husband material has a relationship with Christ apart from prodding or nudging on your part. He goes to Mass and prays daily of his own accord. He understands why the Church teaches what She does, and you don’t have to convince him, for example, why premarital sex or contraception are harmful to your relationship.

He doesn’t have to be an avid reader or a public apologist, but he is Catholic on purpose and wants to grow in relationship with God, and he wants any children you might have to be raised in the Faith. 

…and how to say ‘no.’

To himself.

He is able to control his anger without lashing out physically or verbally. He may have trouble expressing himself calmly right away (as many of us do!), and may need more time and space than you to process what he wants to say. Communicating clearly and vulnerably over time is a task you’ll both have to work on together and for the rest of your lives.

But you know that he is master over his emotions and not the other way around. He does not give you the silent treatment for days on end, nor hold grudges, and he is willing to forgive you when you ask him to do so. 

He’s also able to sacrifice for those he loves. One way he does this is by prioritizing needs over wants, like by deferring Saturday morning fishing, a golf outing with the guys, or whatever else his interests may be if something more important arises. 

To others.

A man who is husband material loves his mom, but is not dominated by her. Just like he doesn’t need you to cook all his meals or wash all his laundry, he doesn’t depend on her for these things either. He loves and honors her, takes her opinions into consideration, and then makes decisions for himself.

The above applies to his whole family, I just mention the mom aspect in particular because the mother-son bond is special and requires a definite maturation to remain healthy throughout life. 

Nor is he swayed by peer pressure from doing what is right or from reaching his goals. He grasps that “iron sharpens iron,” and surrounds himself with friends who, at the least, do not tear down his commitment to living well and morally. He does not allow disrespect towards you from anyone. 

To you.

Gasp! It’s true. At some point, you’re going to treat him poorly and he’s going to call you on it. Just as he exhibits respect for you, he expects respect for himself. Sometimes he won’t be taking issue with your treatment of him, but he will communicate clearly to you that he doesn’t agree with your approach to or perspective on a situation (like your take on why that woman didn’t speak to you at that event). Because he wants you to be the best version of yourself, he calls you on to excellence. 

“I never saw such a (man)!”

In the Jane Austen book Pride and Prejudice, at one point Mr. Darcy, the main male character, describes his idea of a really admirable woman. In response, Elizabeth Bennett, the main female character, scoffs “I never saw such a woman!” You may be having similar thoughts about finding a man who lives up to the above. 

Will you find that many men don’t stand up to all the above? Yes, undoubtedly. Keep the following in mind when you’re tempted to lower your standards or make excuses or exceptions for habitual unacceptable behavior because “otherwise he’s really great!”: unexpected suffering is going to come in marriage. This is normal, and suffering undertaken willingly and with an equally invested teammate will actually help your relationship grow thanks to the graces of the Sacrament of Marriage.

That’s very different from knowingly inviting unnecessary suffering by compromising on the qualities that make a man a good husband. Suffering in the first case leads to strengthening of your marriage bond, deepened trust, intimacy, vulnerability—all the good stuff. Suffering in the second case is isolating, depleting, discouraging. Be not afraid to hold out for a man who is husband material! It is so, so, so worth it! 

And, ladies, in case you were wondering what the counterpart to this might look like for men, here it is!