While she combed my curls and lifted her shears to trim my hair behind my chair, my stylist insisted: "Don't marry a guy if you haven't lived with him for a while."
I did get married years later, but I didn't heed her warning. And I'm glad I didn't.
My stylist isn't the only person who doles out this advice. Many people alert their single loved ones that saying "I do" is too risky until after you've shared a household. When they do, it's important to ask them why.
Most of the time, their rationale is rooted in one of several lies nobody should fall for. Here are 3 of them.
Lie 1: You have to live together to learn what you don't like about each other.
Let's be clear—there will probably be things you don't like about your spouse. You might loathe the way he loads the dishwasher or squeezes toothpaste out of the tube; you might be mortified by how much time she spends scrolling or by how many grudges it turns out she holds. You'll learn some of those things before your wedding, and others, you'll learn afterward. But what do we actually learn about each other when we won't marry each other until we've lived together for a while?
Maybe you find out after moving in that he hasn't deleted his dating apps, or that she never wants to tell you where she's been when she comes home. The temptation is to say, “See? If I hadn't moved in, I never would have known—and then I'd be stuck in a marriage.” But is that accurate? Is it really that you can’t marry this person because living together showed you his or her true colors? Or is it that these are the true colors of uncommitted people, and people who won't marry each other until they've tried living together first are uncommitted?
The people whose relationships have the capacity to work don’t need to live together first. The traits that allow them to say “I don’t need to live with him first” are the same traits that make relationships last—unconditional love, being able to own and apologize for bad behavior, being able to forgive, having the capacity to work through conflict, knowing that God gives us new graces in the sacrament of matrimony. Yes, before you get married, you need to discern wisely. You need to speak up if you see red flags and move on if your date displays deal breakers. And of course it's still possible that your spouse will fail you in ways you never imagined.
But making sure you like everything about your future spouse, or trying to eliminate all risk, will never be as helpful to your marriage as accepting that if you're both following Christ, you're in the lifelong process of being transformed by Him. Instead of trying to ensure there aren't too many bad habits you'll have to tolerate, try to ensure you're becoming the kind of person who can love somebody who has some bad habits—the kind of person who can be patient with the ongoing work God is doing in your spouse.
Lie 2: You can't truly know somebody until you've lived together.
If this were true, we'd have to admit we don't truly know anybody who hasn't lived with us. But do you truly know any of your friends? Your cousins? Your grandparents? And how many of them have you lived with? I know a lot of people well with whom I’ve never lived, and lots of people live together who don’t truly know each other. Consider that knowing each other might not be as rooted in your living arrangement as it is in the dynamics of your relationship.
If marriage is already on the table but you think you don't know each other well enough, your next step is to ask why. It might be because one or both of you hasn't been vulnerable enough yet to have cultivated any real intimacy. Or maybe it's because you're avoiding conflict instead of engaging in it, which also fosters intimacy. Perhaps you got physically involved faster than you got emotionally involved, and the oxytocin flowing through you had you feeling bonded before you had a chance to ask each other questions. But whatever the reason you don't know each other yet, it's not because you don't live together. And you don't have to move in together to change it.
Instead, actually get to know each other. Ask the questions you've been hesitant to ask. Confess the bad habits you're struggling to kick. Disclose the parts of your past you've been afraid to share. It's easy to keep these things quiet because you don't know how your significant other will react. But his or her reaction is good information for you—information you can get without moving in together.
Lie 3: If you don't move in first, you won't know for sure if you want to marry each other.
A lot of people look at cohabitation like a practice run—if you enjoy this, then surely you'll enjoy marriage! But what are you actually practicing when you won't marry somebody until you've lived together? Marriage is a definitive yes to this person for life. What marriage skills do you hone by saying "maybe I'll marry you after we've lived together first?" Most people who move in together as a step toward marriage have already decided (and declared) that they love each other. If you love each other, what do you learn about the caliber of your love if something that happens while living together can change it?
If you move in with somebody prior to marriage to help you decide whether to marry the person, how do you know when it's time to decide? Does it depend on knowing enough about each other? Learning about each other is never going to end, so you have to draw the line somewhere. Where do you draw it? And do you really want to live together before marriage "to be sure you want to marry each other," or are you hoping to make sure it's easy to live with each other before you commit? Because, spoiler alert, it’s not always easy to live with anyone.
Instead of deciding you can truly commit only after living together, consider this: If you pick somebody who loves Jesus, who is willing to do what it takes to become more like Him and to help you do the same, then any unknowns you'll face while living together will be a lot easier to navigate when you're already committed in marriage—when you know that neither of you will be giving up or going anywhere.
And that’s far less risky than facing unknowns with someone who's uncommitted.
