The Key to Lasting Peace in Your Relationship
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My 5-year-old son messed up the other day.
George has recently learned how to ride a bicycle, and now he wants to ride it at every waking moment. We had a friend over when George insisted on taking his bike out, even though our friend’s car was parked closely next to ours on the driveway. Two minutes in, George managed to get his bike stuck between the two cars.
On either side of his handle bars, on both cars, was a silver scratch about 6 inches long. One look at our faces made George crumple into a ball of tears and nerves. After pulling him out from between the cars, we took his bike away and asked him to go apologize to our friend.
You would’ve thought we were sending him away to prison, the way that kid responded. He screamed, cowered, and cried worse than a colicky baby. He kept saying, “I’m scared, I’m scared!” The thought of admitting his wrongdoings to someone else and apologizing was just too much to bear. It took all of his strength and courage to summon that confession and apology.
What my children remind me of daily is how difficult it is for all of us, regardless of our age, to apologize for our wrongdoings. This is where the lessons of showing humility and offering forgiveness come into play. I would even go so far as to argue that these skills are the key to lasting peace in every relationship.
A year or two into my marriage, a woman in my parish offered me the best relationship advice I’ve received to this day.
She explained that in their house, whenever someone says “I’m sorry,” the response must always be, “I forgive you.” Too often in our culture does “I’m sorry” get met with “that’s okay.” But that’s just the thing—if someone has to apologize for something, it’s not just “okay.” Apologies are serious business, and must be taken as such.
After hearing her logic, I went home and told my husband about it, and we both vowed to change our response to “I forgive you” whenever we said we were sorry about something. Two things happened when we did this: 1.) our arguments became more productive with more peaceful outcomes, and 2.) we learned the value of an apology.
More productive and peaceful arguments...
When you have an understanding with your significant other about how to apologize for wrongdoings, it gives you more freedom to do just that. Knowing the other person will offer forgiveness from your apology—rather than just responding “it’s okay”—gives a greater sense of security and peace, which is often needed to summon the courage of an apology anyway.
In the case of an argument, this process helps you resolve things more productively, because usually both parties share some of the blame. Therefore, after Person A offers her sincere apology—received and responded by the other person’s forgiveness, Person B then admits his wrongdoing and offers an apology—which in turn is forgiven by Person A.
Yes, you say, but in order to receive forgiveness, I actually have to admit I’m wrong and apologize? Yes. And that is the kicker, isn’t it?
I believe, deep down when we are in the wrong, we all want to respond a little bit like George. Kicking and screaming and cowering when we know we need to fess up to our mistakes. It is scary to admit you messed up! Honestly, it’s not too different from going to the Sacrament of Confession. But just like in Confession, the grace you receive from being pardoned by the one you offended restores peace in your heart and in your relationship.
Learn the value of an apology.
This practice in your relationship also helps you betterunderstand the value of an apology. When my husband and I decided to change theway we responded to “I’m sorry,” I soon realized how often I said those twowords. And I didn’t just say them when I was sincerely sorry for messing up; Isaid them for trivial things, like having to use the bathroom before we leftthe house.
“I’m sorry honey, Ijust really have to pee before we go!”
“I forgive you.”
Okay, that sounds pretty ridiculous!
If you are like me and you overuse the “sorry” word, this practice will help you appreciate the value of a sincere apology. In other words, keep that phrase sacred for when it really counts! Our words are powerful—too often our culture tries to deflate the true meaning of words by turning them into petty slang.
This rule in your relationship will also challenge your ability to offer forgiveness. There were times when my husband said he was sorry, and I didn’t want to respond with “I forgive you.” But remember, forgiveness is an act of the will, not the emotions. Willing the words “I forgive you” in those hard moments of apology lends to God’s grace in bringing the healing.
Remember, the Our Father gives us wisdom on matters of wrongdoings and forgiveness: “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). If we really mean what we pray, we are telling God that His forgiveness of our sins is contingent on our ability to offer forgiveness to others. Why not take that same viewpoint in your earthly relationships?
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