What to Do When the Proposal Isn’t Perfect
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If you’re reading this because your CatholicMatch beau proposed, I congratulate you! Welcome to the beginning of forever!
And yet…what can you do if the proposal wasn’t “perfect?”
Maybe, superficially speaking, it was low-key (read: not Insta-worthy), and while you were glad he asked, you’re disappointed because the way he asked didn’t live up to your hopes or expectations for this once-in-a-lifetime occasion.
Maybe, more seriously, someone in your family or his (this could be someone from your families of origin or your own adult child) expressed reservations about you two getting engaged, and now you are engaged but you feel significant tension, questioning in the back—or front— of your mind whether you’re missing something. Perhaps you’re wondering how hard you should work to (hopefully) win so-and-so’s blessing on your union.
Bottom line: Does a moment that essentially ushers in 'forever' with another person have to be perfect, or is it possible that it’s okay for the big moment to have been imperfect just as life is imperfect and people are imperfect?
What to do when the big moment was a letdown.
Let’s start with the example of a disappointing proposal. I’m presuming that you really love this man, and that you are sure of his love for you, so you know he didn’t just willfully ignore your implicit or explicit hopes and dreams. It’s still possible for people who authentically love each other to disappoint each other.
Maybe you had hoped for something lavish and drawn-out, but the big ask was more prosaic and quick. Perhaps no one took pictures. Maybe some random kid walking by in the park “spoiled” your magic moment.
I can’t remember where I heard this, but I like the idea of having a “5-minute funeral” for your dashed dreams of how he would pop the question. First, take a few minutes to identify what you were hoping would happen. Then, write down or at least fully acknowledge the hard stuff, the disappointment or frustration, etc. that you felt at the discrepancy between real life and your foot-poppin’ fantasy (a la Princess Diaries).
Let the feelings come, and sit with them for a few minutes. And then, choose to let them go. When they come back, as they will, 5 seconds or 5 minutes or 5 hours or 5 days or 5 weeks later, let them go again. Do not entertain them further.
What to do when somebody’s angry or upset.
During emotionally charged moments in our lives, we naturally want everyone around us to be as excited as we are. But what about when, for a variety of reasons, that’s not the case? Let’s consider the story of a real-life woman I know, who we’ll call Ashley. She met her boyfriend on CatholicMatch and they dated for 18 months long-distance before he moved across country so they could live in the same town. A month later, he proposed! But the night of the proposal, when she called to share the big news with her family, she was surprised by her parents’ muted reaction.
She related: “My then-boyfriend had previously asked my dad's permission to marry me. My dad said later that during their conversation he’d told my boyfriend to wait 3 months to propose since he'd moved to the same city as me from across the country just 1 month before. My boyfriend didn't hear him say that, and proposed a few weeks later. To this day I don't know who said (or heard) what.
"This miscommunication caused A LOT of contention in my family, because my parents thought my boyfriend had purposefully ignored what my dad told him, which they considered a troubling sign of disrespect. And while we moved forward with the engagement, that misunderstanding continued to cause real friction between my fiancé and I because I automatically assumed that he had made a mistake and I insisted that he apologize—it took years for me to recognize that he might have been right, at which point I finally apologized to him. It's possible my dad was just as nervous as my boyfriend was and thought he said something clearly that he was unclear about or didn't say at all.”
Listening and seeking to understand is key.
Fortunately, Ashley and her husband have now been married close to a decade, and all’s well with the in-laws. Ashley jokes that the arrival of grandchildren a year into the marriage helped smooth out everything between her spouse and her parents and herself, but as she shared, she regrets her treatment of her fiancé at the time. How might she have approached that situation differently?
Looking back, she realizes she panicked, and now wishes she’d given her fiancé the benefit of the doubt. It’s true, she knew her parents better and longer than she knew her fiancé, but assuming the worst about him and neglecting to even consider his side of the story led to nothing good for their blossoming relationship.
She wishes she’d taken a deep breath, said a prayer, and reminded herself that while the emotional stakes felt very high, in reality no one was on fire. She wishes she’d spoken charitably rather than harshly to her fiancé, listening to his account of the asking-permission conversation with an open mind. She wishes she’d “put her big girl pants on” and calmly told her parents that their blessing was important to her, as indeed it was, without taking sides and blaming her fiancé in the process.
What if someone sees a problem you don’t see?
What if your family, or someone else close to you, expresses reservations about you marrying this man altogether? What are your options if someone whose opinion and judgment you value tells you they see red flags that aren’t apparent to you?
Take stock of who is doing the speaking, and how highly you value their opinion. Are their concerns vague (“I just don’t have a good feeling about him….”) or can they give you examples of the problematic behavior? How serious are the things they’re bringing up (“He’s so annoying” vs. “When he does x, he’s manipulating you” or “He’s still seeing his ex one-on-one regularly”) Are they the only person objecting, or have others told you something similar? Has this person had a chance to get to know your fiancé personally, or are they relying on things you’ve said or minimal in-person interactions?
If, when you really sit down and think about it, the objecting person’s opinion isn’t paramount to you, and those who are closest to you and know you both well approve, let their words go. If no one else has expressed anything remotely similar to their objections, and/or they haven’t had a chance to truly get to know your fiance, let their words go.
If, however, they say they’re noticing abusive behaviors or signs of other mortal sins, or if there’s something gnawing at you, even if you can’t quite put your finger on what it might be, tap the brakes on the engagement. This doesn’t have to mean calling the wedding off entirely, but it could mean pausing planning mode for a time so you can meet with a spiritual director and/or a Catholic counselor to work through any nagging doubts that have arisen. Yes, marriage is forever, and entering into it with a person who is capable of loving you freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully is your best bet for lasting holiness and happiness.
At the end of the day, keep this in mind.
No, the setting of the proposal doesn’t have to be perfect. Yes, someone in your family or friend circle or his might be mad or frustrated or annoyed at how or when the proposal went down. But this is your engagement and forthcoming marriage. Short of clear evidence of a real need to rethink the relationship altogether, make peace with the reality that even big moments in life will be imperfect because imperfect people (this means you, your fiancé, and your extended families) are living them.
Choose God’s free offer of grace, extend forgiveness, and keep your sense of humor ever at the ready. Yes, you might not have had your fairytale proposal, but this is still your love story. Own it. Down the road, you might even laugh about it. Maybe generations from now, your story will be handed down through the generations, “Well, you won’t believe what happened when great-grandpa proposed to great-grandma….”
Find Your Forever.
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