How Do You Know If You Have Forgiven Someone?

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This is a classic question people often ask after going through a divorce or broken relationship.

How do you know if you have forgiven the other person?

It is an important question especially for those who are trying to model their lives after Jesus Christ and His teachings. However, it is certainly not a cut and dry process. It can feel messy and uncertain at times. Sometimes even after a relationship has ended, triggers or wounds come up that leave you feeling frustrated.

I know in my own life it was a process coming to know that I forgave my former husband. For me, it was easier in the sense that we were not married very long. Not having children together, there was no real relationship to be continued after our divorce was finalized. Nevertheless, it definitely was a process to forgive him.

A big part of my growth in this process was making the decision to forgive; it took an act on the part of my free will to say, “Yes I want to move past this. I do not wish revenge or retaliation on him. I desire to forgive because I know it sets my heart free to move on and heal.”

When I felt triggered by a memory of the past or had times that I felt angry, I had to intentionally stop myself in the moment. Sometimes I would take deep breaths and pray to the Holy Spirit, “Come Holy Spirit, Come Holy Spirit.” I would verbally remind myself that I choose to forgive, and in that moment where it was difficult, I would call out for help.

There isn't an exact science to know if you have fully forgiven someone who has hurt you.

It takes a lot of practice and you may have to try out different things to see if they work or help you. Here is what I know from my own experience about forgiveness.

We cannot forgive on our own but need help and grace from Jesus. We receive grace to help us have His perspective on the matter and the person we are dealing with. Jesus reminds us in Scripture that faith even as small as a mustard seed has power and potential we cannot always see.

Forgiveness also takes desire on our part. I found it so helpful to pray (many times, over many months!), “Jesus I desire to forgive him. I need You to grow that desire in my heart. I cannot do this without You.” No, a prayer like that is not magic, but praying it from the heart started to change my heart over time.

Faith and desire are important tools I have come to use in my own journey of learning to forgive other people in a more genuine and authentic manner.

So, how do you know if you have forgiven the other person or not?

I would say how you respond to those unexpected moments that come up in life where you feel triggered; perhaps it is when your ex-spouse says something hurtful and takes a dig at you handle a situation. It is in these daily moments of living our lives where push comes to shove. In these surprising and difficult life situations, we get hands-on practice to live out what we are trying to do.

How do we respond when we feel triggered, hurt, or frustrated? How do we handle our response and our own emotions in spite of it? How do we handle ourselves in these moments where it could go either way?

I have found answering these questions to be helpful. It gives me a deeper sense of where my heart and mind are at in this particular moment or situation.

Sometimes we’ll knock it out of the park and handle a particular situation with grace. And other times we may flip out and not handle it so well in the moment. You know what? That is okay. God doesn’t expect that we do it perfectly and get forgiveness right every single time. But He does expect that we try, and lean on Him to help us do this heavy work. He expects us to do the best we can with what we have.

It is okay that we are all a work in progress when it comes to forgiveness.

Have you struggled with forgiveness in a particular relationship in your own life? What are tools you use to help you work through forgiveness when it feels difficult?

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