How to Stay True to Your Standards

Let's talk about morals in dating.

I have met with and talked to a lot of young people who feel that making your own standards in dating is one of the hardest parts about dating standards. They are not wrong in that it isn’t something to take lightly, that it does take effort and time to do that for yourself. They are, unfortunately, wrong that it is the hardest part about dating standards.

It isn’t setting your own dating standards that’s the hardest part, it’s upholding them. 

When I was called out for being a virgin in college, I got a lot of flack. Some in the form of distaste, some in the form of shock, most in the form of doubt. There was a lot of “just you wait,” “it’s only a matter of time,” and “sureeee,” as if they were unable to accept it as a possibility. 

When I wanted to wait to live with my boyfriend until we were married, I got a lot of pushback too. From family and friends, people older than me, and people my age. And they brought up great points—it’s cheaper, most definitely, to live with someone else. It’s also a great way to get to know them without committing to more than a lease (that you can always break). “That’s a lot of change at once,” was one of the responses I got too, as if I should move in with my boyfriend so that marriage would be less of a change in my life (logic out that one???).

But you want to know something super interesting? I have never—and I mean never—met someone who said they regret staying true to their standards.

I have never encountered someone who said they held to their “high” standards and totally regret it.

That it didn’t work out for them in some way. That it made them unhappy. That they wish they would have lowered their standards just to fit in with the crowd.

I have, however, heard about people who have lowered or dropped their standards altogether and deeply regret it. Who suffered consequences from it, things that took years to heal and affect them still to this day, all because they didn’t uphold standards they set for themselves.

It may be a harder battle—staying true to your standards—but it will leave you with a higher reward. 

Here are some tools for the good fight that is holding to your dating and romance standards in modern society:

Surround yourself with people who also hold to their standards.

Iron sharpens iron. Think of people who also believe it is possible to set and stay true to dating and romance standards as good iron to surround yourself with. If you are internally fighting against lowering your standards, and are externally surrounded by people telling you it’s a matter of time before you give in and do it just like they did, the battle will be monumentally harder.

Seek out people who waited to have sex until they got married, who waiting to live with their boyfriend or girlfriend until they got married; I promise you, those people exist! 

Pray for the grace.

Catholic Church theology speaks about something called actual grace. For Catholics, grace isn’t just a symbol or way that God looks at His children. It has the power to make us whole, to heal us of sin and sorrow, to truly allow for Christ to be present within us. Actual grace is grace that makes us move, that inspires action that we wouldn’t otherwise take. Actual grace can be referenced for crazy conversions, or reversions, for unforeseen changes of heart, or dispositions to the Holy Spirit that lead to powerful evangelization.

It can also be prayed for, by us the faithful, as a gift from the Holy Spirit, so that we may remain strong in the face of temptation, that we may not falter under a call for endurance. Holding to your standards, especially in the dating sphere, especially in the face of people who have lowered their own standards and promise there isn’t another way to be “successful” in the dating world unless you do, is a very tough fight to fight. Why not invite the Holy Spirit into the battle with you?

Remind yourself often of why you are holding those standards.

Maybe it’s a personal list you’ve written down, or a friend who has lived it out already, maybe it’s a video of a speaker or account of a person whom you admire and their writings—whatever it is, keep close your inspiration. It is okay to need reminding, to need encouragement, and a reference point in staying toward your north. Allow yourself to have access to it, and hold yourself accountable for keeping it close when temptations creep in. Truth will always come with peace, a sense of freedom, a tone of joy. And there is great truth in holding to standards you have set for yourself for the betterment of yourself, your future spouse, and your paths to sainthood.

The feeling of fitting in will never overpower the personal freedom in staying true to who you want to be.

There will always be people who think you hold too high of standards, who (unfortunately) doubt that things can be done differently. But at the end of the day, you deserve better than the regret of giving in to people who do not respect you. You deserve the freedom of being surrounded by people who want to see you stay true to yourself. And you deserve to hold to your standards, come rain or shine.