How to Reject a Date (With Kindness!)

I think most people know how to be kind to others.

Kindness and respect are something most of us God-fearing people have been practicing our whole lives. However, you do not want to make the entirely-too-common mistake of being so “nice” that you never actually say that you want to stop seeing someone!  

Once you’ve considered a person as a potential date or future spouse and decided that’s not the person you want to pursue, you need to be clear and honest with them, as well as kind. 

Being vague, hinting, and dancing around the issue is not kind.

It is cowardly. Respect the other person enough to be honest with them. Sound harsh? Maybe. But anyone who’s been on the receiving end of wishy-washy messages, hint-dropping, and borderline ghosting by people they’re seeing or chatting with online will tell you that having clarity and closure is far better than being led on or fed false hope.  

So here’s some helpful tips for how to turn down a date at different levels of relationship. For all of them, remember the BIG THREE: Clear, Honest, and Kind. 

IF YOU'RE ONLY MESSAGING:

Don’t sweat it, ladies and gents! A message is not an engagement ring. You’re still virtually strangers. You do not need to stress about whether you’re ruining someone’s life by not wanting to take your messaging with them any further.

There could be a multitude of reasons why you’re no longer interested in talking to someone any more: Maybe your life situations or values do not match up, your ages or lifestyles are incompatible, or you’re moving forward into a relationship with someone else!

For you math people out there, here’s a simple “end the messages” formula for you to use:
A + B = No more messages. Where A is a kind compliment and/or appreciation and B is a CLEAR and HONEST statement of your wishes to stop chatting.

Here’s some ideas to get that tricky message written: (feel free to copy/paste and personalize!) 

“You seem like a lovely person, and I appreciate your time (A) + However after reviewing your profile/messages I think we are not the right fit (B)  and = I wish you well on your future search for a spouse!”

“I’ve really enjoyed talking with you online, however, I think our age difference / life goals / personal values are very different, and both of our time would be served better if we part ways and continue to seek out God’s plan for us separately. Thank you for your time and God Bless!” 

“Thank you for inviting me to dinner/coffee/other date option. I appreciate your being a gentleman and taking the initiative to ask me out, and I think any lady you date in the future will appreciate that, but I don’t think I’m the lady for you. Thanks again and best of luck!”

Perhaps this person will reply back to ask you for clarification or if they’ve offended you, and it’s fine to answer their questions if you’re comfortable with that; it can even be helpful to them to have closure and not grow bitter towards other people in the future. However, know that you are not required to give any details to this person if you are not comfortable with it. This person is, after all, pretty much a stranger to you. 

IF YOU'VE BEEN ON ONE OR TWO DATES:

At this point, both parties are probably invested to some level. It stinks if you are the one with more interest and the other person wants to end things, we all know that. But we often forget that the one who is ending things has a hard time too! Most people dread telling someone that they don’t want to see them anymore, and it takes courage to do it right. 

Remember to be Clear, Honest, and Kind. At this point, sending a text or an email is kind of rude, since you’re already comfortable talking to each other face to face. If you live close by each other, feel free to meet up for a quick walk or coffee to break the news. Don’t plan an entire date, meal, or evening of fun, and then drop that bomb at the end of it. That’s just mean.

If there’s a greater physical distance between you, you may not need to meet in person to break things off; there’s no obligation to buy a plane ticket or drive for hours just so you can “let them down easy”. I would recommend a phone call or Skype/Facetime/Zoom call in this situation, so you can have the nuances of the tone of voice and facial expressions to communicate your best wishes for them, instead of an impersonal text. One of the things I would tell people was: “You’re a great guy, but you’re just not my guy.”

IF YOU'VE BEEN DATING FOR A WHILE:

Now, “a while” means something different for everyone, because each individual, and each individual relationship, moves at a different pace. For some people, they’ve decided to become exclusive or serious with each other after a few dates, and for others, it takes months to determine whether this is a person they could see themselves with long term.

And guess what? THAT IS ALL JUST FINE. Many different and personal factors go into the pacing of a relationship.

If you consider yourselves a “couple”, “exclusive”, or “serious” according to your own personal definition, you owe them this conversation face to face. If you have both invested time and effort into a relationship, make the time to meet with them in person, and be open to discussing with them the details of what led you to this decision, and to not only be Clear, Honest, and Kind, but also vulnerable. 

Tell them what you like about them, tell them what was good about being in a relationship with them—you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with them for this long, so there must be reasons why! Tell them your concerns about the relationship and why you think you should take separate paths.

This might be an opportunity to share what you’ve discovered about yourself or in prayer that led to your decision. Tell them that you want the best for them, that you want them to be happy. 

Be considerate about the timing of this conversation.

If you know they have to go back to work after you meet up, or have another event to attend, try not to break the news right before that either. You will both need some downtime after this emotionally taxing conversation. Choose after work hours or before a weekend, not right before parties, weddings, or holidays.

Set aside plenty of time in a more private location so you can have this heart to heart without either of you being self-conscious of others listening in. A dinner date at a quiet restaurant or at one of your homes, a secluded coffee shop, a park bench away from others, or a walk on a quiet trail would all be good options. 

Ending things can be a learning experience for you both, and taking the time to communicate respectfully and honestly will only serve you now and in any future relationships you both have. 

So best of luck and my prayers are with you as you strive to be Clear, Honest, and Kind!