Benefits Of Waiting Until Marriage (& 3 Bad Reasons Not To)
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According to the Center for Disease Control, 90% of men and 86% of women have sex before marriage. Logically, we know this must include a lot of religious people whose religion teaches them to wait until marriage. However, if you're reading this, there's a very good chance you fall into the small percentage of us who are choosing to wait! So, let’s explore why 10% of people wait for marriage to have sex and why some decide not to wait to have sex for the first time.
Is Waiting Until Marriage Always About Religion?
Research has some surprising finds. In a study of 2,035 couples published in Psychology, those who have a "no sex until marriage" principle rated the quality of their marital sex 15% higher than people who had premarital sex.
In addition, those who waited until marriage expressed 22% more stability in their marriages with a 20% higher satisfaction rate. Clearly, this extends to those outside the Catholic Faith and those who identify as being a Christian but is a solid affirmation of the timeless teachings of the Church: sex belongs in marriage.
Three Benefits of Waiting Until Marriage
If you ever went to a chastity talk at a high school or as a college student, you likely have heard many reasons for "waiting till marriage". These reasons probably included avoiding unwanted pregnancies or STDs. But, believe it or not, there are several other reasons why couples choose to delay sex until marriage.
1. Relationships Improve
One of the perks of waiting is it gives you time to develop good relationship skills. As much as we all want sex, introducing sex too early in a relationship takes our focus off really getting to know the other person and developing good communication and relationship skills. It can cause couples to use sex as a bandaid to cover up weak areas of their relationship. The poet Rilke wrote that it isn’t the acceptance of sensual pleasure that is wrong, but “the bad thing is that most people misuse and squander this experience and apply it as a stimulant at the tired spots of their lives and as a distraction…”
2. Less Chance of Divorce
Couples who wait to have sex until marriage and remain abstinent while dating are less likely to get divorced. This may fly in the face of the modern rationale for sexual experimentation and living together before becoming newlyweds. Yet, research has consistently shown that the fewer sexual partners one has before marriage the less likely they are to experience divorce.
3. Self-Control Is Good
Saving sex for marriage is a good practice in self-control. We live in a culture that is rife with instant gratification. Everything we want or need we can have immediately and conveniently. However, there are good reasons to exercise self-control. This is a virtue and a skill you will need all your married life. Contrary to what many single people believe, married people do not get to have sex whenever they want. There are many reasons to abstain even after marriage, such as child-spacing, illness, and times of being apart. Learning to find other ways to express love and affection and exercise self-control is a beautiful gift you give your future marriage!
Three Reasons Not To Wait Until Marriage (That You Should Ignore)
1. “Waiting for marriage is a bad idea because you don’t know how good someone is in bed if you don’t have sex with them.”
While of course, this is a very common rationale for testing the waters before marriage, the Church and modern research consistently show that this is not reality. Those who wait for marriage report higher satisfaction in the bedroom, not less. If you're looking to marry someone simply based on their performance in bed, it's definitely time to reevaluate what you are looking for in a relationship.
2. “Living with someone is good practice for marriage.”
Again, this is where modern ideas of sexual intercourse and intimacy lose out to tradition and Church teaching. Research has consistently shown for decades that co-habitation leads to higher divorce rates. And, who wants that?! Another similar argument for living together before marriage is, many people believe that they need to move in together first in order to determine their compatibility. However, there are plenty of ways to discover whether or not you make a good couple without shacking up together first!
3. “It’s too difficult to wait. Anyway, God understands and forgives.”
This is to presume on God’s mercy. The sin of presumption, the Catechism teaches us, is a sin against hope and can be a result of pride. Yes, God does forgive. But, he also empowers us to live in virtue. We are never without hope. Holiness is not out of our reach. However, this doesn't give us the green light to sin all we want and then expect to go to Heaven one day. God's mercy doesn't enable us to live our lives as if it were a free-for-all. We need to make the choice to do the best we can to live holy and virtuous lives.
But, you say, waiting to have sex until you are married is difficult. Yes. Of course, it is. Nobody is claiming that it is easy.
Again, the poet Rilke writes, “To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”
One way we express true love for another is by waiting for each other. That's a beautiful thing!
What Does the Bible Say About Waiting Until Marriage?
What does the Bible say about sex before marriage? It’s pretty straightforward. Thessalonians 4:3 says, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from fornication…”
But if you are reading this article, you probably already know that.
So, let me offer some Scriptures to encourage your hearts in the waiting, and I will string them together like a prayer for you...“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time if we do not give up.” (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 5:5, and Galatians 6:9)
If you're wondering what does The Bible say about dating, here's some more great advice.
How To Wait Until Marriage: Abstinence Advice
Waiting is difficult. You can offer it up, pray lots of Rosaries, read every book written by chastity speakers, and Google this article. But, waiting is STILL difficult. The most practical piece of advice I can give to assist you as you wait is this: embrace difficult things. Taking a path of least resistance, avoiding suffering, and neglecting hard things leads to weakened character and in the long run makes our lives less fruitful and certainly our religion less faithful.
On a more practical note, if you are struggling to live chastely, consider making it a part of your daily prayer routine to ask God for the strength you need to live chastely. Also, don't be afraid to find a group of friends that can hold you accountable. Lastly, choosing to wear a purity ring (or some other small reminder) can be an easy way to continuously remind yourself of the importance of living purely. Last but not least pray to the saints! Many of them struggled with the same things you are. Turn to St. Joseph, St. Augustine, or St. Maria Goretti in times of need.
Is Waiting Until Marriage Worth It? Our Conclusion:
My conclusion in short is...YES! Sex is definitely worth saving for marriage.
When it all comes down to the reasons to wait until marriage, fundamentally, for me, it is this:
“If only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us, that we must always hold to the difficult then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful.” (Rilke)
There is so much beauty in the difficulty of waiting and living out celibacy during our single and dating years. We only get to see it when we commit to the process and embrace the wait.
While I know how difficult it can be to wait for your wedding day, I also know just how worth it is, too.
FAQs
I Want to Wait Until Marriage But It's Hard, What Do I Do?
Living a celibate life until marriage isn't easy! However, we aren't called to do the easy thing but the right thing. To remain firm in waiting for your wedding night, pray daily, consider getting a purity ring, and find a circle of friends who can hold you accountable.
Is It OK if We Live Together, But I Still Wait for Marriage?
Living together before marriage is not a good idea (even if you aren't religious). There are a number of psychological reasons not to move in together as well as religious reasons. As a Catholic, you should not move in together until after you are married.
What Percentage of People Wait Until Marriage?
As we quoted above, only 10% of the population waits until marriage to have a sexual relationship. However, this percentage is based on the general population and not solely practicing Catholics and Christians. You may feel that you are the only person saving yourself for your wedding day, but this isn't true!
Resources:
https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg/key_statistics/p.htm
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101227/theres-benefits-in-delaying-sex-until-marriage
https://ifstudies.org/blog/premarital-cohabitation-is-still-associated-with-greater-odds-of-divorce
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