Men, Here's How You Love Like a Gentleman

In this world of social networking, tweets, and texting, I fear that people, and especially men, have lost the touch of romance. So, if you will allow me, I’d like to pass on a secret about romance and why courtship doesn’t have to stop after marriage. Yes, it is one secret I put back into practice when I re-entered the dating world as a widowed senior citizen.

Call me old-fashioned, but it works. No matter your age, guys, there is something you need to do.

You need to learn to Slow Dance.

I remember the first time I danced with my wife-to-be. It was our third date on a Sunday evening in late January 1969. Our romance was just getting started, and the one thought on my mind that cool winter evening was, “don’t mess this up.” Her parish church had a rock ’n roll band which performed on Sunday nights and played the occasional slow ballad.

Dancing came naturally to my date with her having taken ballet as a child and performed in recitals. It was a foreign language to me. Desperately trying to recall those dance moves from the TV show American Bandstand, I was scared to death to dance, much less slow dance—with this beautiful girl in my arms. But there I was, attempting it, fearful that the future of our relationship depended on how many toes I stepped on that night.

I held her as close as I dared and swayed to the music.

A high school friend walked up and spoke loud enough for several to hear, 

“Buddy, to call it dancing, you have to move your feet.” 

My date must have had compassion for this wannabe hoofer, as she ignored the comments and voiced no complaints. She just smiled and held on and on and on. Forty years later, we were still slow dancing.

Knowing how much she loved to dance, I was always open to trying new things. In the 70’s we went to a clogging class. To her utter amazement and shock, I even put taps on my shoes. In the 80’s we embraced ballroom dancing, learning the waltz, tango, and foxtrot. As recently as 2004, we joined another dance class to learn the Texas Two-Step. But truth be known, we both preferred the slow dance.

Over time, I learned to move my feet, and slow dancing took on a completely different aura. 

I lost count of the number of times one of us would grab the other, play the Etta James song, “At Last,” and slow dance around the living room. No audience, no kids, no distractions, just the two of us gliding carefully around the coffee table and chairs. I held her confidently close, firmly but gently. She followed my familiar lead so well that at times it seemed as if we were of one mind as she anticipated every step, every move.

Her head often rested on my shoulder, gentle whispers shared the emotions of the moment, and the occasional soft kiss on her neck conveyed an intimacy beyond the physical. As Etta sang the closing lyrics, “And here we are in heaven, For you are mine, At last.” The dance and the song always ended with a long, slow kiss. 

For me, slow dancing with my beloved was symbolic of a marriage of oneness. 

Slow dancing was more than just the graceful movement of two lovers across a dance floor. Slow dancing was romance in motion. We learned each other’s moves and played to each other’s strengths. We held each other close and moved as one. A quick apology followed a careless step. Together we navigated around any obstacles, and the countless strolls across our personal dance floor served to reinforce the solid trust between us. And we never stopped dancing until the music stopped.

Slow dancing doesn’t require an Etta James song. Nor does it require a dance floor or even a dance in the classic sense. In the event you have yet to grasp my insinuations, let me offer a few tips on how to slow dance:

1. Invite her to dance

• Open the car door for her when she gets in or out of the car.
• Help clean up the kitchen after a meal.

2. Take the proper stance and position your hands appropriately

• Be a man of gentleness in manner, speech, and touch.
• Offer her a foot massage after a long day.
• Walk barefoot along the beach, hand in hand as the sun sets (or rises) and share the awesomeness of God’s creation.

3. Take the lead and start dancing

• Give without any expectation of getting.
• Love her as Christ loved the Church, sacrificially.

4. Make conversation

• Nourish her spirit with words of encouragement.

5. Have fun and enjoy the moment

• Find delight in the things that she loves to do.
• Seek to bring out the best in her, just as she brings out the best in you.

6. Apologize if you step on her feet

• Ask for forgiveness whenever it is needed.
• Graciously give forgiveness when she asks it of you.

7. Achieve the right level of intimacy

• Be an active listener—one who understands that sometimes she just needs your ear and not your verbal solutions to her every problem.
• Learn to look into her heart and purpose to know her more. You’ll gain insights into her motives and moves.
• Pray together regularly for family, friends, and our nation.
• Draw close during times of joy and even closer during times of sorrow.

8. Be grateful for the dance

• Count as a badge of honor every tear or make-up stain she may leave upon the shoulder of your shirt.
• Never forget how precious and unique is the one you hold in your arms.

I remember our last few slow dances in the hospital during those final days of January 2011. I remember massaging her feet, stroking her hair, and wiping her brow with a cool cloth. I remember the morning of her last day. I held her hand, kissed her softly on the lips, and said goodbye. Slow dancing with my beloved was a joy beyond description.

Romance, after all, is God’s idea.  

We found true joy in the Author of Romance, only to discover that dancing to His music brought out the best in each of us. 

Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a “time to dance.”

So, be a real man, be a man of faith, be a romantic, and learn to slow dance.

The music never stops.

“Life isn’t a race, it’s a dance. Every step forward and every step back, stepping sidewards and twirling in circles, are all part of the dance we call life.”  -Matthew Kelly