Any time might be a good time to get engaged.
But there are good and bad times to get married. Often, people get confused about what makes a certain date good or bad to start their lives together. And it can be a bewildering answer!
First off, let’s cover some common mistakes. Some things often seem like they get in the way of getting married, when in reality, they might not be a big deal at all. What are these things, you might ask?
Here are just a few examples that should not stop you from getting married:
1. Irrational insecurity. A fear of lifetime commitment, feeling you’re not good enough, or constant worry over what other people might think are all good examples of irrational insecurity. Letting irrational fears take over your love for someone slams the brakes on your life together.
This can be especially difficult if you come from a broken family, if you tend to rely on others’ opinions, or just struggle with self esteem. Don’t let the worry or fear stop you from making good, practical decisions! (Yes, there are other insecurities that are red flags, but we’ll get to those later.)
2. Waiting for perfection. Let’s get this straight: there are good and bad times to get married. But there is no “perfect” time. Neither is there a perfect ring, a perfect dress, a perfect place, a perfect guest list… the list goes on.
Many people get the idea that their wedding has to happen at a certain age, or time, or place, and if that doesn’t line up, they feel like they should rearrange everything to make it “perfect.” As someone who got married years before she was planning on it, let me tell you your plans mean squat. What matters is the right person, and doing your best to be prepared.
3. Money. So you can’t afford the wedding you want? You think you should wait until you have enough money? Pshaw. Weddings don’t have to break the bank. I’ve known lots of people who wait years to marry to save up for the astronomical expenses--or worse, decide to forgo the wedding and just live together instead because its “cheaper.” (Obviously, this cheapens love, too.)
Instead of resorting to these things, you should let go of the price tag wedding. Remember, the wedding industry is a big money market. Your wedding can be as simple as the two witnesses and the priest with you at your local parish. So scale it down and don’t let money dictate your wedding.
Okay, so we’ve covered a few examples of things that disguise a good time to get married as a bad time. But we all know there’s a flip side to that coin.
What are some real concerns that actually make it a bad time to get married?
1. A preexisting marriage. You can’t marry someone who’s already married. This is the reason the Catholic Church has the annulment process in place, so in confusing cases, no one has to live in constant limbo. If one of you is divorced without an annulment, or if you’re not sure about your marital status, then right now is a bad time to get married to each other. Wait to make sure you aren't actually married to anyone else before joyfully tying the knot.
2. Real insecurity. We talked about irrational insecurity earlier, which should not stop you from marrying. Real insecurity should! If you have constant nagging doubts of whether you love this person or if they love you, you need to work this out far in advance of setting a wedding date. Maybe you’re still trying to discern whether you want to join religious life. Perhaps you wonder if you want to marry at all, ever. Maybe one of you is dealing with an addiction or affair. Maybe you’re just trying to get married before your younger sister does.
You get the point—there are real, concerning insecurities that should definitely be worked out before you jump into marriage. If unaddressed, some of them could destroy your marriage years down the road. Something that falls into this category is a good reason to postpone the wedding until things have been worked out one way or another.
3. Practicalities. So you have joint custody of your children and can’t abandon them to move hundreds of miles away to your new love. Your fiancé doesn’t have the right paperwork to immigrate to your country. You’re stationed overseas with your military branch. College courses and internships leave you with neither time nor money for a spouse. I could go on.
Sometimes, life happens and things just aren’t practically aligned to start a marriage right away. The good news is, these things are often temporary. Visa papers usually work out with time, Air Force tours end, you graduate from college, or your kids grow up and move out.
Yes, waiting for these things can be frustrating and exhausting, and you might feel like it’s not worth the hassle. But, in cases like this, sticking it out until a better time is worth it. Time won’t hurt the right relationship, and if you two truly love each other, you’ll wait until practicalities change and priorities can be rearranged. One of the best decisions my husband and I made was letting him finish grad school before the wedding!
Obviously, the examples above only scratch the surface of when is a good or bad time to get married.
Everybody’s situation is different, and each couple will have unique challenges and strengths. If you’re struggling with determining your wedding date, I hope that going through these lists will help give you direction.
And even if you’re as single as a cloud on a sunny day, you can pat yourself on the back for reading this: you have a head start on being ready for that wedding date!
