My boyfriend is in the military.
From the very beginning, I recognized that our relationship was going to be unique and come with its own set of challenges and joys. Early on, I remember scouring the internet for advice from men and women who had either dated or married service members. I read countless blog posts and articles, all of which were helpful in some regard, and yet still didn’t prepare me fully for what I have and am continuing to experience.
We have been in a long distance relationship for over a year now and as this first chapter of our relationship nears its end, I have my own list of thoughts for those considering entering into a relationship with someone in the military.
1. Are you prepared to be independent and possibly have your career take the backseat?
When and if your service member is deployed or stationed away from you, you’re going to be spending a lot of time on your own. It’s important to have a life that is not dependent on your significant other. Work on the other relationships in your life and spend more time with your family and friends.
Make sure that you stay busy with either a career or your hobbies. At the same time, because military members relocate so often, it can be difficult for their spouses to maintain their jobs. Are you willing to put their career goals ahead of your own? Can you work remotely? Would you be willing to be a stay-at-home parent?
2. Are you willing to relocate—and do it more than once or twice?
Marrying this person could mean moving around the country or possibly even to foreign countries. Are you going to be okay with not setting down roots anywhere for a while? You should have a conversation about what this person’s career goals are before getting too serious. Do they plan on reenlisting? If so, where are they likely to be stationed? How often are they expected to move? Are they willing, once married, to find a career outside of the military (if that’s what ends up being best for your relationship and your future family)? Are you willing to live far away from your own family?
If you hitch your wagon to this person, you need to be prepared to live life as an adventure and not rely on cemented future plans. Flexibility will become a virtue for you.
3. Are you willing to share your spouse with the military? Service members don’t have normal nine to five jobs.
Their careers will affect your relationship whether that be through time, travel (they have to have their vacations authorized and planned ahead of time), where they live (depending on their relationship status and where they are stationed, they may have to live on base), and even what information they can share with you (they may not be able to share every aspect of their work day with you).
That last one is important. Make sure that you’re okay with your significant other not divulging secret (work-related) information to you.
4. Are you willing to be on a different timetable as far as dating goes?
You may not be able to date at a normal, leisurely pace. If, for example, your boyfriend is stationed overseas, those times when he’s home and can spend time in person with you, are going to be few and far between. How do you feel about only being in this person’s presence for a week at a time for a year or longer?
5. Depending on their position, how do you feel about your spouse possibly being in a dangerous job?
This is something that really doesn’t require much explanation. Whether or not the person has a dangerous job, they may end up in a dangerous area of the world. Will you be able to handle that?
6. How do you feel about military culture?
I have become increasingly aware of the fact that members of the military have their own subculture and community. Because they tend to have experiences and struggles that civilians do not face, and because they are encouraged to trust each other in a way that we civilians don’t normally trust our coworkers, they can seem very close knit.
They even have their own language! At times, it seems like my boyfriend speaks a second language comprised solely of acronyms. They also tend to be more direct when communicating and being blunt is not considered rude, in most cases.
7. Can you be trusting when your spouse works in close quarters with the opposite sex?
If you’re the jealous type, this may become an issue. Service members tend to trust and interact with their coworkers on a different level than most of us would. That is not to say that we civilians can’t have close friendships with our colleagues, we often do, but when you’re not around your significant other and they’re working long hours with people of the opposite sex, you’re going to have to be able to trust them.
8. There will be work struggles that you won’t be able to help them with, so be a good listener.
Work issues will be something that you may not be able to advise them on. When this is the case, just be a good listener—sometimes they may just need to vent. Encourage them. Pray for them.
9. Are you willing to put in time and treasure for this relationship?
Meeting your service member when they’re on leave may mean traveling to see them. LDRs in general will cost one or both parties a penny or two, and many military relationships will be no different. Are you willing to learn to express your love for this person (and receive love from this person) in a love language other than your own? If you’re only able to express yourself through Words of Affirmation for a while, and you’re fluent in Physical Touch, are you willing to do some research and figure out a way to speak that other language?
My last thought on this is to beware that time zones will be an issue—and they suck. Are you willing to put extra effort into figuring out when you two can communicate? Are you willing to get creative with your Skype dates and keep the conversations going? This can be a great time to really get to know your significant other on a deep intellectual, emotional, and spiritual level. Are you willing to look at it that way?
10. Know that it is absolutely worth it.
Yes, being in a relationship with a service member is going to be challenging at times, especially when having to face deployments and extended absences. But the effort and energy you put in during the hard times are great conditioning for the challenges marriage will bring. As long as you keep God at the center of your relationship, the two of you can make it through stronger and more grateful.
This may seem like a lot to consider and it’s by no means an exhaustive list. If God is presenting you with an opportunity to message or possibly begin a relationship with someone in the military, consider these things, and then trust that God will help you to make a good decision and provide you with the grace that you need to have a successful relationship. My last point is by far the most important; it is absolutely worth it.
