Free Yourself From Your Parents' Divorce, Part 1
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Your story doesn't have to be like theirs.
Lynn Cassella-Kapusinski beat the odds. As a child, she suffered the trauma of her parents' divorce. This, according to some research, increases your own odds of getting divorced by a whopping 69 percent. Yet Lynn herself has been happily married for twenty years. Sheer luck? No. Lynn worked through her grief so she could form a healthy relationship of her own. Now, as a licensed clinical professional counselor and the founder of Faith Journeys Foundation, Inc., she helps other children of divorce to do the same thing.
Q: What did you do personally to make your own marriage a success?
Before even meeting my husband, I spent years living on my own, without dating anyone seriously. That experience gave me the time and space I needed to get more in touch with who I was and God’s plan for my life, an opportunity I did not have previously because I was so focused on external achievements. Living alone also encouraged me to confront the losses resulting from my parents’ divorce and, in particular, those stemming from my relationship with my father.
It also motivated me to find ways to be happy alone. It led me to a place where I genuinely felt that, while I wanted to get married, marriage was not required for me to be happy, if I did not find “Mr. Right.” Every young adult or adult child of divorce needs to get to this emotionally healthy and stable place so they are on a secure footing for marriage, ideally before they start dating seriously. It was when I achieved that place of inner emotional healing and peace that God led me to meet my husband. Also, I have not had unrealistic expectations of my husband in terms of thinking he would—or could—fill in these “gaping holes.” While I knew that I would always have his love and support, it was not and would never be a matter of him or anyone else “fixing it” for me.
Q: Did you fear making a commitment because you saw your parents' marriage come apart?
No, not at all. My parents’ divorce motivated me in an opposite way. I was determined to get marriage right and, as such, approached it with a high level of thought, consideration and self-efficacy. I actually felt I had more of an “obligation” to choose wisely in this regard because I had learned so much from my parents’ mistakes. I took marriage very seriously. My older brother, Marc, told me once, “When you find the right one, you know it.” I have found that to be true. I experienced a deep sense of peace and contentment which gave me every reassurance that my husband was the person whom God brought into my life to marry.
Q: Why do children of divorce sometimes fear commitment?
It is not unusual for other children of divorce to fear making a marital commitment. I believe this fear stems primarily from unresolved grief. Young adults of divorce may doubt whether they will be able to succeed in this arena when their parents did not. They can feel “doomed” to repeat their parents’ mistakes. This fear can persuade them to choose “wrong,” in the sense of choosing someone whom they are assured of not losing or do not care about losing. That way, they reason, they cannot get hurt a second time. The late Judith Wallerstein, PhD., a pioneer in divorce research, coined the term “sleeper effect” which speaks to this fear in women. It manifests itself, she says, by intense anxiety and fear about betrayal. According to Wallerstein, young women may trap themselves in unsatisfactory relationships in order to protect themselves from rejection, abandonment and betrayal.
Q: What sort of baggage do they carry into marriage?
A common factor with many young adult and adult children of divorce whom I have worked with, who have gotten divorced or are in unhappy marriages, is the fact that they married before having adequately worked through the grief from their parents’ divorce. As an adult divorced woman described it once, “I ended up marrying my father.” In other words, there is a major risk of repeating unhealthy patterns in marriage, which developed earlier in life, if one has not sufficiently worked through the grief of parental divorce.
Q: How about you?
I was spared a lot of baggage because I married later in life, at nearly 38-years-old. Although I had wanted to marry at a younger age, marrying later in life gave me the time and space I needed to work through my grief, which primarily involved my relationship with my father who moved away when I was 11-years-old and eventually settled across country. That baggage took the form of me dating men who were much like my father which, in turn, enabled me to replay patterns which I had not healed from.
Q: What is a good first step for adult children of divorce to heal so they can have a successful relationship?
I think it is critically important for adult children of divorce to examine their relationships with their parents and come to a place of peace and acceptance in that regard. They need to honestly answer this question for each of their parents: Can I be alone in a room with Dad/Mom and feel at peace? If the answer is “no,” that can clue them in on “unfinished business” that they need to address, whether through journaling, a support group, professional counseling, or whatever means can help them process these thoughts and feelings.
My book, Making Your Way After Your Parents’ Divorce: A Supportive Guide for Personal Growth (Liguori), can provide a helpful start in this regard. Each chapter explores a different effect that divorce can have in the personal life of a young adult or adult child of divorce, including one’s relationship with God. I share about my personal journey, include journal questions to help the reader move toward healing and forgiveness, and provide practical guidance. In this process, I would also encourage adult children to focus on nurturing a relationship with themselves and find ways to be happy alone, as mentioned.
I, actually, would encourage them NOT to date for a while and, instead, focus on loving themselves. This means getting to know who they really are, identifying their values, goals, and what they want out of life, as well as determine what is negotiable and non-negotiable for them in a future spouse. They need to look inside themselves to heal those broken parts, instead of looking to a dating relationship to do so.
Stay tuned for part 2 of my interview with Lynn!
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