Free Yourself From Your Parents' Divorce, Part 2

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Don't let the pain from your past prevent joy in your future.

In Part 1, we explored with Lynn Cassella-Kapusinski, a licensed clinical professional counselor and the founder of Faith Journeys Foundation, Inc., the stigma and fears that many children of divorce feel about marriage. In the second half of our discussion, Lynn, who is a child of divorce herself, gives practical advice on achieving a successful marriage.

Q: Did you ever think happiness was only for other people from intact homes?

No. As a child and adolescent, I figured that kids from intact homes had more emotional supports than I did, especially since they were not growing up with an absent parent. However, as I matured, I realized that even intact families had imperfections and problems, some of which were, arguably, worse than mine. Instead, my impression or “bias” about happiness in life stemmed from whether or not the person had a strong and healthy faith and religious foundation to ground and guide them.

As I have gotten older, I found this increasingly true. I did not conclude I could not have a happy marriage as a result of my parents’ divorce. My resilience in this regard stemmed largely from my close and loving relationship with my older brother, Marc, who “took me under his wing” after my father left home. Our relationship gave me a very supportive, real-life template of what a healthy connection with another person was like. It also reassured me that I was capable of having another valuable and healthy connection in marriage later on as well.

Q: What would you say to someone who thinks success in marriage is rare?

Quite the contrary. It requires a lot of forethought, commitment, and sacrifice. I grew up with the confidence that I could achieve what I wanted if I applied myself and worked hard enough. I carried that same confidence into my approach toward marriage. Growing up, I also was fortunate to have relatives and family friends who were happily married, which also nurtured my belief that a happy marriage was possible for me too.

Q: What should adult children of divorce look for in a spouse so they can be happily married?

Mutual respect is key. They should make sure their future spouse respects them very much, and that this person, in turn, is someone whom they deeply respect. Respect fosters kindness, understanding, and appreciation toward one another, in addition to an acceptance of the other's weaknesses. Those qualities will be needed to rise above the inevitable challenges they will face in marriage.

Respect also lessens the tendency to take anger or frustration out on a spouse and, thereby, fall into destructive patterns of resolving conflicts that adult children may have witnessed between their divorced parents. This means looking for a spouse who does not resort to undermining, blaming, or ignoring you when an argument arises. Otherwise, no matter who ends up being "right," it comes at the cost of one or both people feeling disrespected and unloved which, in turn, tears down the relationship.

Q: What should they avoid?

Some adult children of divorce view marriage as a way of filling in the gaping holes created by their parents' divorce or as a way of compensating for something they lack within themselves. While a healthy marriage can certainly add a deep sense of joy and fulfillment and provide a spouse who complements you (i.e. being strong where the other is weak), it is unrealistic to expect one's partner to carry your crosses or complete you as a person. These expectations can lead to over-dependency which can prevent a spouse (or both spouses) from fulfilling God's plan for them as individuals as well as a couple.

Q: What else do couples need to embark on a long and healthy marriage?

Both spouses need a mature view of love. While romantic love is part of marriage, long lasting love is much less about romance and more about committing to the good of the other and giving generously when it is difficult. Notice how a future spouse treats his parents in a variety of situations. It may very well end up being the way he or she treats you over the long haul. Forgiveness is also critical. There will be times when you are at your worst and may say something nasty as a result or not be as patient as you would have liked. Make sure your future spouse is mature and compassionate enough to understand, forgive and cut you some slack, just as you need to do in return. After all, no one is perfect.

By the same token, make sure that, no matter what, your future spouse believes in your inherent goodness as a person. They also need to clarify their values and what is non-negotiable to them in a spouse as a result. For example: Do they want a spouse who will go to Mass with them, help raise the children Catholic, and the like? Or, will they be content practicing their religion alone? Having similar aspirations in life as regards social, economic and lifestyle expectations is also important in marriage.

Q: What is your final word of advice for anyone looking for Mr./Miss Right?

Make sure a future spouse is willing to make you his or her highest priority. According to Catholic teaching, the marital union is second only to God.

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