Alright, all you who are betrothed, let’s talk about being engaged!
Engagement has a reputation that precedes itself as being a fun, blissful, carefree time. And ultimately, it is… being engaged is the best! You’ve found your person, they get you, you get them, you truly prefer they’d always be around vs. not, and you finally have a license to start making those plans for the future, all the while having those you love cheering you on. Engagement answers a lot of the questions that singlehood asked, and it is so freeing to be moving forward as you prepare for your vocation with your beloved by your side.
But, as with all good things, however, something this good doesn’t come without struggles.
A friend of mine, whom I much admire, continually returned back to this reflection during her own season of engagement—How do I be engaged well? Your life is changing, you’re preparing for one of, if not the, biggest changes in your life. As you do, there need to be some external changes in your life that reflect such.
One of the biggest areas where this can arise is in your time management. Hopefully, dating was a good segue into navigating the use of your time together and apart, but engagement ups the ante, while not quite having the complete commitment that marriage will provide. In other words, it’s very easy to feel torn.
Friends and family have experiences with you that influence their unspoken expectations of how you all relate to one another, external commitments rarely change once you’re engaged (in fact, they probably increase), and now you’ve got this person that you know you’ll be spending the rest of your life with, but practicalities such as a shared living space, calendar, bank account, and even daily time together, aren’t in place yet.
If you and your fiancé have opposite work schedules and feel like ships passing in the night, you wouldn’t be the first… finding time, and quality time, together, can be hard. When you finally do find that time, managing others’ reactions, even if they’re only perceived, is also difficult.
How do you manage your life when one huge aspect of it just changed (excitingly so, but still…)?
The first thing I’d like to offer is permission to acknowledge that your life will look different and to allow for change yourself. You’re engaged, your priority needs to be your significant other, and there are only so many hours in a day and week. Family members and single friends might complain that you’re not around as much, or that you have changed, or that things may not be like they used to. They’re probably right, and ultimately they really love you and just want more time with you, but that doesn’t mean your shifting-focus is wrong.
A valuable lesson someone shared with me about engagement is making the change from mine vs. his, to ours. Whatever it may be, it’s no longer just mine, whether it's problems, time, decisions, joys, or concerns. They’re ours now. This shift begins in engagement, and becomes solidified in marriage. With that in mind, prioritize one another, and when it comes to external commitments and relationships, approach them together.
Remember those family members or friends who are upset that things are changing? While perhaps slightly unreasonable, they still very much matter! Prioritizing the other doesn’t mean you kick these people to the curb, but rather that you discuss the need for time with them as a team—perhaps you spend time with his friends or her friends together, maybe you schedule weekly girl and bro time to allot for that need. However you solve it, you’re on the same page and navigating it side-by-side.
Putting it all in balance.
Another piece that comes with prioritizing your fiancé is being intentional with how the two of you spend your time together. How do you use your time? Are you just hanging out? Or do you have intentional spaces for prayer, others, marriage prep, play, and meaningful conversation? If TV and phone scrolling is the primary activity when you’re together, then those friends and family have some legitimacy to their frustration that you’re not around as much!
An easy way to be intentional is to plan out your week ahead of time. Which days can you see each other? Of those days, which is for wedding planning, calling family, going for walks, reading a book together, etc.? It’s amazing how, even with something so good (such as spending time with your fiancé), lack of intentionality can make it become a lackluster thing.
Engagement is not simply a block of time standing between you and your wedding.
Nor is it just enough time to get the practicalities of a wedding planned. It’s meant to draw you closer as a couple, to learn how to operate as a team vs. as individuals, and to deepen in the source of love himself, growing spiritually so you both become more of the people Christ created you to be, through one another.
Engagement has an inherent depth that involves so much more than showers, gifts, and centerpieces. It is a beautiful and exciting time, and something worth seeking to live well.
