Getting engaged and getting married are the best, most exciting, most beautiful moments in a person's life...right?
Yes. They can be! Committing your life to someone you love brings with it so much joy. But it's vital to remember that getting engaged and married are usually times of huge transition in a persons's life. And because of that, you may start to feel lost and unhappy at a time when you expected to feel the most free and the most joyful.
Take me, for example. The year I was engaged was the hardest year of my life. I moved to a new state and started a new job all while planning a wedding long distance. I didn't have my friends and family nearby and making new friends was daunting.
I had to adjust to a new daily routine, and plan for the wedding and our future—all while navigating normal relationship ups and downs with my fiance in a new place. Life was completely different from anything I was used to, and it was hard to keep up and process all the changes.
And I didn't handle it well.
I stopped eating. Instead of forming healthy coping habits, I resorted to unhealthy habits which I then had to work on breaking. For a few months getting out of bed was a struggle and going back to bed was the highlight of my day. It was not good.
I could have chalked up all the stress and difficulties to being in the wrong relationship. But actually, I never did. I had experienced so much peace in my relationship with my then-boyfriend, before all of the changes happened, that I was confident it was my situation that was causing all of my unrest, and not him.
Knowing that didn't make the situation magically easy, but it did at least relieve me from the additional weight of wondering "Am I making a mistake in marrying this guy?" and "Will life always be miserable?" I knew it hadn't been so difficult previously, and figured that this too would pass.
Once we were married, the first year was still rough...with another move, and another new job, and getting pregnant (which for me meant feeling nauseous while on a rollercoaster of pregnancy emotion almost every day for nine months)...but it was still easier than the previous year, so I was relieved. See?! It could get better!
And after several months of a rough postpartum period, it did. So much better. We had grown leaps and bounds in communication, had made good friends nearby, and had figured out how to navigate the nitty gritty living together details, like chores and free time and balancing our different introvert and extrovert needs. Not that life is ever perfect, but there are times when life is a whole lot easier.
All of that is to say, that if you are expecting marriage to bring you profound happiness, it probably will...eventually!
But getting married or engaged doesn't magically make you more adept at handling change. And these milestones bring with them a ton of change all at once. This is true whether you are young and not very established, or older and very established, or somewhere in between. If you find yourself unhappy, or listless, or feeling like you suddenly aren't yourself, know that you aren't the only one. (I've shared only my story here, but I know many people with similar stories).
If you were aware and thoughtful while dating and discerning marriage, then you're most likely not feeling bad because you've made a huge mistake and married the wrong person. You're struggling because your life is changing very quickly and you need time to get used to what your new life looks like.
Find help. Find a counselor. Talk to your old friends. Talk to people who could become new friends. Talk about what you're feeling. Force yourself to get outside. Do things you used to enjoy, even if they don't seem to be bringing you much joy right now.
Remember that your fiance or spouse is not solely responsible for your happiness. And similarly, you are not the key to your spouse's happiness either. Exercise. Continue to pray.
You are not alone. This too shall pass!
If you are struggling with relationship anxiety ("pervasive doubts about a healthy, loving relationship") regardless of whether you are just dating, engaged, or married, check out these resources by a woman named Sheryl Paul. She is not religious, but her material is very good.
Also, check out Erik's posts here on his experience with doubting himself in dating and marriage:
I'm Married So Why Don't I Feel Happy?
