Dumped Does Not Mean Undesirable

The sad tale of lukewarm love.

So I'm talking to this girl at a party. She's in her twenties actually but to me she's a girl because she is younger than three of my children. Plus, she's upset so I'm feeling maternal about her situation.

She is "dating" a guy who won't pursue her but won't break up with her. "I can't read him," she says. I listen for a while, then tell her what she probably doesn't want to hear.

"Dump him."

But there is more to my message than that. Much more. "You are beautiful, smart, fun, and nice," I tell her. "You don't need to wait around. You're worth better than that. Lots of nice guys would be happy to date you." This is not just some generic message. The person standing before me is all the things I said.

But I suspected she didn't feel that way. She needed someone to say it.

Rejection messes with your head. Dating is already stressful. Women as young as twenty worry that they will never find a husband. You already secretly wonder: Am I desirable? Will someone love me? And then if you get dumped or strung along like this girl, it seems to confirm your worst fear—I'm not desirable.

This is how everybody feels when they get dumped. I remember feeling this way myself. I've seen my friends go through it too when they were dating. They think: Since this guy didn't like me, no one will. While it is a natural feeling, it is not a reflection of the facts.

Do this with me for a sec, google stars who were dumped. Behold: a list of people who are young, rich, talented, and beautiful. Granted, many of them are morally challenged but that is not my point. It is that no one could argue that they are not desirable. Going on sheer numbers of fans, they are the most desirable people on the planet! Yet the person they were with didn't want them. Some of them didn't even get the courtesy of a real break up face to face conversation. They were texted, ghosted, or they found out about the break up on TV. Try recovering your self esteem after that!

Rejection happens to almost everyone, including "the beautiful people."

So don't take it as meaning you are somehow just not desirable. It simply means that that particular person is not into you. You are not right for him. As much as this is painful to accept, this is the truth that can set you free.

Love is a mysterious amalgamation of chemistry, compatibility, timing, logistics, and grace. Maybe you and this guy have three out of five. That's a majority which makes it feel so right. But it's still not enough to go forward. Something is missing. In fact, usually if one of the first four are missing, grace is missing also—meaning, God has other plans for you.

Another thing to consider is that the other person has issues that have nothing to do with you. Maybe he's commitment phobic. A lot of guys just don't like risks. Marriage is risk numero uno!

Here's how Dave Barry describes it in his Complete Guide to Guys:

Situation: You have a great time on the date and the guy asks you if you'd like to go out again.

Threatening Response: "Yes."

Nonthreatening Response: "Okay, but bear in mind that I have only three months to live."

Ultimately, a rejection is really not about you or him.

It's about the two of you together. You didn't work as a couple. Don't waste your time languishing over it. It will only make you even more miserable.

Let go. Move on. And realize, that next time you will be wiser. You will know not to settle for someone who is not that into you. You are worth better than that.