I'm in Love With Somebody—and It's Not You

Disclaimer: This article only addresses leaving CatholicMatch due to being in a new relationship. There are plenty of reasons why you might be taking a break: read more about that here!

So you’ve met someone on CatholicMatch!

How thrilling to enter a real-life relationship with that special someone. It’s time to disable your CatholicMatch profile, right? So you log in, and...

Oh no.

There are five other conversations in your inbox. What do you do with these leftover CatholicMatches?!

First, let’s set a few ground rules for what actually constitutes “leftover matches.”

First, you are actually in an exclusive relationship—mutually agreed upon by both parties, if that wasn’t clear. You shouldn’t cut everyone else off based on one date, one phone call, or worst of all, even a few messages! (Stay tuned for more on that.)

Second, you had back-and-forth communication with these other people—via messaging, texting, phone calls, or the new CatholicMatch video chat feature.

And finally, neither of you has ended the conversation due to a different reason; from their point of view, they are expecting your usual reply.

These ground rules eliminate the confusion of who needs to be informed of your new relationship status. Just to cover our bases, you don’t need to go through every unread message or previously ended conversation to announce your new relationship—there’s no need to reincarnate dead messages just to kill them again.

So, when and how do you tell leftover matches that you’re no longer single?

Think of your announcement like a spectrum. On one end is ghosting, which is when someone disappears with no explanation and zero warning. Nobody likes to be ghosted, period! Anyone to whom you are talking online deserves to hear why you won’t continue the conversation. Opposite on the spectrum to ghosting is what my girlfriends and I call the “heart dump.” This is a classic example based on real life messages:

“I’m praying so hard about whether you and I should keep talking, because I’m talking to this other girl too. I don’t want to cut you off, but I feel the need to pursue her. But you are so beautiful and wonderful, too, I don’t want to let you go. Should I go out with her or would that break your heart?”

This takes online messaging far, far too seriously! Messages like this are usually sent way too soon, before anyone has entered an exclusive relationship (thus breaking the first ground rule.) Secondly, this is way too much pressure on everyone involved. Nobody should be avoiding a first date just to save the feelings of a stranger on the Internet. The whole point of dating online is to get dates in the real world, after all.

So, don’t ghost and don’t heart dump. Got it. Now let’s get into what you should do!

For starters, you can safely assume every CatholicMatch dater is talking to multiple people, so you don’t have to worry about crushing someone’s dreams. You also want to end your conversation on a pleasant note, out of respect for their time and interest in you. There are definitely poor ways to announce your relationship, such as:

“So I’m not going to talk to you anymore because I met someone yesterday and we’re a couple now! But we can still be friends, and if it doesn’t work out between me and him, maybe we can see where you and I might end up again.”

Sadly, yes, this is also based on a real life example. Obviously, it’s treating people as commodities and lacking grace and respect! I took a different approach when leaving CatholicMatch, and ended other online conversations something like this:

“I wanted to thank you for your time and interest in talking here—I recently have been out with a lovely young man, and we’ve decided to date exclusively. I wish you the best of luck!”

This type of response is respectful, values the other person, and doesn’t come across overly emotional. Short, sweet, and to the point is the best way to go!

If and when you’re on the receiving end of being a leftover CatholicMatch, all the same rules apply.

A poor response to someone else’s relationship announcement might look like this: 

“How could you not give me another chance? You could be The One!”

Again, serious pressure and little respect does not a good message make. Several of the men I was talking to responded to me something like this, which was a great way to reply:

“I’m glad you met someone and hit it off—he’s a lucky fellow. Thanks for your time!”

Be respectful, value the other person’s time, and don’t ghost or heart-dump. Bonus here: responding well puts you on the “revisit list” if this person rejoins CatholicMatch in the future. (Just saying, not all relationships work out, even Catholic ones!) 

Overall, the key to ending conversations gracefully is to be honest, be respectful, and be brief. Aim to tell your leftover CatholicMatches why you’re leaving and thank them for their time. After all, this is the reason CatholicMatch exists in the first place: to lead people into real-life relationships!