Let’s Talk About Small Talk

Recently one of my teenage sons came home from a date.

He had been excited about this possible connection. It seemed promising. But there I was looking at his discouraged face as he flopped himself down, sighing. “Didn’t go well?” I ventured. He replied, “Mom, she had the personality of a brick wall. I had to make all the conversation all night and she didn’t offer any conversation back. I am so exhausted.”

Let’s be honest: small talk is the worst. For some personality types, it is pure torture. Makes one wonder why we can’t just jump from introduction to friends, because those first few warm-up conversations are enough to scare a lot of people away.

In all the skills we learn from our parents (reconciling our bank statements to driving a car) to get us through adult life, small-talk is not usually a skill intentionally taught. So, perhaps you didn’t realize that this is something you can actually learn. There is, however, a set of unspoken rules that make it easy (or at the very least easier.) This is what I have taught my own children from the time the first adult asked them, “How are you today?”

Learn to play catch.

Think for a moment about a game of catch. The ball passes back and forth between participants, keeping the ball in constant play. If one person catches the ball but then holds it, the game is over and we go find someone else who wants to play. Small talk is just like this. Let me explain:

Player one: “Hi there! How are you?” (Throws the ball.)

Player two: “Fine.” (Catches the ball.)

And now what? Player two is holding the “ball” (the conversation). If the ball is not thrown back via a more elaborate reply, then the game of small talk is over. So, let’s try again.

Player one: “Hi there! How are you?” (Throws the ball.)

Player two: “I am well. And how are you?” (Catches and throws! Woot!)

Player one: “Doing great! I am sure ready for the weekend.” (Catches and throws. Now the game is heating up!)

Player two: “Oh yeah. What do you have planned?” (What an expert throw this is!)

Player one: explains plans….

Practice makes perfect small talk.

If this feels awkward, it often just takes practice. Cultivate an interest in what others have going on and what their plans are. This will keep the “ball” in play. And it will help you to discover things you may have in common, which makes any conversation easier.

If small talk doesn’t come easily for you, before you try it out on dates, try it at church with the family behind you or the person waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store. Try it in an environment that has low risk, because soon enough you both have to walk away and will likely not encounter each other again.

What if the conversation stalls out, especially on a date or at a social function where mingling and small talk are obligatory?  What if the person you engage is not good at throwing the ball back?

Here are some good ways to jumpstart things:

1.    Offer a sincere compliment. Could be their shoes, their hair, or their tattoo. Doesn’t particularly matter. But finding something to appreciate is a great way to connect with people. One of my sons is an expert at this. Running errands he always finds some way to connect with people in the store. “I love your name! Do you know what it means?” Or “Your hair color is awesome! Do you dye it yourself?”

2.    Ask them for a recommendation. Depending on the situation and person you could ask for a good café recommendation for lunch, a good show to binge, a favorite podcast, or a nice hiking trail. It is common for all of us to like to share our favorite things with others. We all like to be an expert in a little part of the world. Give someone that opportunity and you will create a connection. Also, you will have fodder for the next interaction. “Hey, I took that trail you recommended. What a beautiful view. Do you want to see a picture?” 

3.    Offer a recommendation. Along the same vein, offering what you love or what interests you can create a connection. “Do you follow this Instagram account? It’s fantastic. Hang on, what is your IG name, I will tag you.” (Not only did you share the account, but you also found out theirs with zero awkwardness.) Or try “Last night I had dinner at a place I think you will love. Hold up, I will give you the info.”

How to exit.

Sometimes a conversation is just flat and the other player doesn’t throw anything back. Or maybe you’re just out of time. How can you get out of the conversation without it being super awkward? First of all, it is OK to end a conversation. You do not have to hang around awkwardly for longer than necessary. Hanging on longer than necessary may be uncharitable to both of you!

Offer an affirmation and then walk away. 

“Thanks for the book recommendation. I will try to look for that. Have a good time at the party.” Exit.

“I am glad we got to talk. I am sure I will see you again and it will be nice to already have been introduced.” Exit.

“If you are in the area, it would be nice to run into you again. Have a good day.” Exit.

Make your last comment a positive one and then walk away. This gives your conversation a solid close rather than an open-ended situation that leaves both of you wondering if you are still talking or not. Is it a long pause or the end? Make that decision and end the conversation on a positive note if you are ready to be done.

Hopefully these tips can help you make better small talk and create more connections with people. Most of all, try to remember that there is no need to be self-conscious. Most people are more eager to find connection and common ground than you think. Take a chance and throw the conversation ball.