Do You Need a Dating Fast?

Although fasting has become increasingly popular in the secular world (primarily for health and dietary benefits), fasting is a spiritual practice that goes back thousands of years. It is the act of giving up food, water, or something else for a defined period of time to focus on God and spiritual matters. 

Today, fasting remains an integral part of our Catholic faith. 

Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are obligatory days of fasting for Latin Rite Catholics between the age of 18 and 59. (While Eastern Rite Catholics follow the guidance of their local bishop.) We are also called to fast from food and drink for at least an hour before receiving the Eucharist. During Lent, we are called to do acts of penance by giving something up (either something good that we enjoy or a bad habit that we need to break). We also abstain from eating flesh meat on Fridays during Lent. Even if it has become somewhat routine for us, fasting is deeply woven into the fabric of our faith.  

However, throughout scripture, there is precedence for fasting outside of the time Mother Church prescribes for us.  People in the Old and New Testaments fasted for a variety of reasons including: atonement and repentance; preparation for ministry; petitioning for favors; expression of grief.

Jesus began His ministry with a 40-day period of fasting in the wilderness so He could prepare for His great salvific mission. In the Old Testament, Queen Esther (who prefigures The Blessed Mother), called on the Jews in Susa to join her in a fast for three days and nights so she could save her people from Haman’s evil plot. In the book of Jonah, we saw the King of Nineveh sit in sackcloth and ashes and ordered his people to fast when Jonah pronounced God’s judgment on the city.

In these examples, although there was no obligation or religious mandate to fast, Jesus, Esther, and the King of Nineveh turned to fasting because they understood the power and supernatural benefits that come from fasting. 

Fasting can produce the same spiritual fruit in your dating life! 

At first, the suggestion of a dating fast might seem gimmicky or even depressing. You might feel some urgency and think time is already running out for you, so fasting from dating may not seem like a good idea. You might even think that since you’re not dating anyone anyway, you’re already on a dating fast of sorts.   

However, a dating fast is deciding to not date for a defined period of time to focus 100% on your relationship with God and your relationship with yourself. It is a period for discernment (confirming and recommitting to your vocational call), seeking God’s wisdom, and healing your heart. 

Many people are dating with unhealed broken hearts. They are dating defensively from a place of self-protection and self-preservation instead of dating with an open, unguarded heart. They date from a place of mistrust of the opposite sex or cynicism. They are waiting for the person they’re dating to disappoint them in some way.

Dating from this perspective doesn’t work.

There are several benefits of a dating fast:

• It allows you the time and space to process and heal your wounds from the past.  
• You can deepen your relationship with the Father. Often how we relate to God is a mirror of our relationship with our earthly father, so this might be a place that needs restoration.
• You can surrender your future to God and learn how to be truly content in your life by developing patience, faith, and trust.  
• You can learn to forgive yourself and any shame or guilt you might be carrying from the past. You can also forgive others for the ways they may have hurt you.  
• You can heal the lies that you learned from the culture about love and relationships, and develop a healthy and hopeful way to view dating in the future.  
• Most importantly, a dating fast can help you connect with your heart on the deepest level. Until you develop rich intimacy with your own heart and learn how to see yourself with the same lens of love, worthiness, and dignity that God sees you with, you are not yet ready to share your heart with another.

To go on a dating fast, I recommend choosing a length of time for your fast.

40 days is the traditional length of time many Christians choose to fast from something because that was the length of time Jesus fasted in the desert. However, it can be for 3 days, one week, 9 days, 54 days, etc. There’s no right number, but stick with whatever you choose. 

Next, set aside a regular time for prayer. Communication with God is the foundation of all fasting. This is the time for radical honesty with God, so don’t hold anything back. I also recommend buying a journal or notebook specifically for your fast so you can journal on your thoughts and insights daily. During the fast, many feelings will come up and journaling is an excellent way to process them. 

Next, I recommend getting support during your fast in the form of a spiritual director, coach, or a mentor. Having someone to check in with as you work through past relationships or family traumas can be extremely helpful. 

Finally, enlist the saints for support. Our Lady, St. Joseph, St. Raphael, St. Gianna, St. Anne, and Sts. Louis and Zelie can be wonderful friends who can intercede for you during your vocational journey.  

Do not be afraid!

I know that dating can feel like navigating unchartered waters, but Jesus invites us to put out into deep (Luke 5:4).  After all, we can’t receive without being in a position to receive. A vocation to the priesthood, religious life, or consecrated virginity all involves a serious period of formation. Since dating is the process that leads to marriage, a dating fast can be viewed as a similar period of formation.

If you’ve been dating a lot or you keep getting into one relationship after another, a dating fast could be exactly what you need to expose any relationship patterns that need to be healed. If you’re chronically single or haven’t dated for long stretches of time, a dating fast could help to expose any fears that you have around dating or marriage. 

Why not take a leap of faith?

Ultimately, God promises to give us “a diadem instead of ashes...oil of gladness instead of mourning, a glorious mantle instead of a faint spirit” (Isaiah 61:3). 

Through a dating fast, we can bring the ashes of our lives to the Father without shame or fear of punishment. He promises to redeem the time, and we can trust in Him. There is a saying that sometimes you have to slow down to speed up. 

A dating fast is the epitome of slowing down, but resting and recharging in the Father’s love could be the best thing you could do for your dating life!