How to Thrive in the First Years of Marriage

Just Married: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five Years of Marriage does not just apply to engaged or recently married couples, but also serves as a marriage health check up for those longer married couples, too.  Dr. Gregory Popcak, executive director of Pastoral Solutions Institute, teamed up with his wife, Lisa, to write this book directed at helping newlyweds navigate the true challenges of marriage.

Just Married surprised me in that even after nine years of marriage, I could still testify to the practical advice and guidance the Popacks lay out for newlyweds to charitably handle difficult situations, especially while establishing healthy habits. Besides offering their own personal experiences with each topic they explored, the Popcaks also use anecdotal stories of couples they've counseled, as well as citing published studies. Concrete examples of what to-do, and what not-to-do, offer practical advice for each topic. The book also incorporates self evaluations in the form of "exercises" and quizzes. Topics covered include managing conflict, money, in-laws, sex, and children, while identifying the typical growth stages in marriage, acknowledging that the process is not always linear.

I found 3 major points in the book worth exploring:

1. Prayer

The lifeline of every other branch in marriage, prayer will make the most challenging situations possible and manageable, but without it, the simplest tasks will seem monumental.  Since prayer together requires humility, it also fosters greater intimacy and personal fulfillment. Not familiar with regular prayer? Using the acronym PRAISE, the Popcak's quick reference guide lays out the basics for couple prayer: Praise God, Repentance of failings and shortcomings, Ask for petitions, Intercede for others, Seek and discern God's will (not our own), Express desire to serve and give thanks.

2. Managing Conflict By Creating Patterns of Good Habits

Research proves that happily married couples keep a ratio of 20:1 positive to negative interactions during non-conflict moments.  Even during conflict, happy couples maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. The Popcaks show you how to become part of this happy statistic through identifying the difference between complaints and criticisms, nixing the bad habits of defensiveness, battling contempt with compassion through rehearsing, and when to seek professional help.

Remember those needs and desires of your spouse are really God's way of asking you to grow in ways you wouldn't as a single person. Problem solving only begins after venting is over, when the true problem is identified, and then concrete steps to resolve them can be made. By negotiating the "how and when," but not the "what," we're able to actually resolve problems without the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

3. Fidelity

My husband and I can contribute much of our marital success to fidelity, and I'm not just talking about simply refusing other sexual partners, and neither are the Popcaks. Fidelity is keeping marriage your number one priority—no other activity or person is more important. Fidelity is intentionally spending time with your spouse at the exclusion of others, not simply because you share a roof together. Marriage should get the best of you, not what's left over at the end of the day. The Popcaks call this "conscious prioritizing," and they include an exercise to figure out how much weekly time your marriage requires for both couples to feel satisfied. Establishing routines and rituals together naturally protects this time together. It's easier to say "no" to others when you already have time scheduled with your spouse (and children). When these habits of purposely spending time together are established, you're naturally building a greater intimacy with your spouse than you possibly have time to create with another person, including your friends.

As newlyweds,  it's easy to think your marriage only affects the two of you, as husband and wife, but that's not true. Those habits that are established in early marriage make a difference in how you parent your future children, and how you interact and serve the community, as well as contributing to building the larger society, and furthering your relationship with God.

Want more from the Popcak's? Here's a video about how to notice signs of an unhealthy dating relationship.