Do You Have What They Need?

When I look at a woman’s dating profile, I’m thinking, of course, about what I want in a mate.

Do I find her physically attractive? Check. Does she seem kind and fun? Check. Does she share my taste in books, movies, and sports? Mostly. Maybe she’s a Rams fan, but I can get over that. (Sorry, Rams fans.)

Does she subscribe to seven out of seven of the Church’s teachings? Awesome. Or maybe she only subscribes to five out of seven. But hey… I can probably get her to change her mind in time and see things my way.

Does any of this sound familiar? I’m guilty of it.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that I’m mostly thinking about what I want.

This dating thing is about me, not the other person. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting certain qualities in a mate. We want what we want. And one thing we want is to make sure we’re compatible with someone if a relationship has any chance of working out.

But do I ever stop to ask myself: What does she want? What are her needs? Am I really the guy to meet those needs?

After all, the ostensible goal of most everyone on a site like CatholicMatch is to eventually get married.

But if we do end up married, it won’t always be a glorious run of great sex, unfettered happiness, and me getting all my needs constantly met.

It will be getting angry with her sometimes, getting my feelings hurt, both of us gaining some weight, picking up clothes after one another, and cleaning up puke when they get sick. Am I ready for that? Is she the one with whom I’m willing to go through all that?

It’s not necessarily sexy or romantic to think about. But maybe it’s helpful. Our ultimate calling as Christians is to become less focused on ourselves, to put others’ needs before our own. This is true whether we’re married or single. But it comes into sharp focus when we have a mate. A relationship becomes a school in which we learn to put another person’s needs first.

Someone once told me the purpose of marriage is not to make you happy, but to make you holy. It’s a good insight. Personally, I think it’s both. Life is never without conflict, but if you’re not generally happy with someone, then something’s probably broken that needs to be fixed.

We should enjoy the other person. But we must also serve them.

Pope John Paul II said: “God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman.” Loving another person is not just an opportunity for us to always feel wonderful. It’s a duty.

As C.S. Lewis said: “Love is not affectionate feeling but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”

It’s a shift in mindset that puts others before ourselves.

It’s what Saint Paul talks about:

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection.” (Colossians 3:12-14).

So the next time you’re looking at someone’s profile, try this experiment. Instead of thinking only about what you are looking for, ask yourself if you have what they might need. When we start to think like this, we start to think more like Christ. And it will help us become better Christians. Better mates. Better lovers.