Extreme Jealousy Isn't Healthy: Know the Warning Signs

Beware of extreme jealousy.

A nearly universal trait of all abusers, and a huge red flag to look out for as a relationship is developing, is extreme jealousy. Of course, there are many levels of jealousy and not all are equal. For example, there is a huge difference between your boyfriend being a little concerned if you talk a lot to other men and your boyfriend becoming aggressive if you say anything to anyone of the opposite sex.

For the sake of this blog post, I am going to be talking about extreme jealousy. That is, jealousy that is not fairly warranted and leads to unfair reactions.

This possessiveness is irrational and all-encompassing, and if you’re the target of this type of behavior you may soon find it greatly affects your life and ability to feel comfortable in social situations. The USCCB acknowledges, “While there is no one type [of abuser], men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be extremely jealous, possessive, and easily angered.”

Also, before we go any further, please note, in my articles, I most often refer to the abuser as “he” and the victim/survivor as “she.” This isn’t because I’m unaware of the fact that women can be abusers and men can be their targets, but because statistically women are more often victims.

Jealousy and love aren’t the same things.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous” (1 Cor 13:4).

Although over-the-top jealousy is a hallmark trait of domestic abusers, it’s a red flag that’s often missed because it’s easy to interpret as a sign of affection. Your partner may claim he merely wants to protect you from male predators, or that you’re his soul mate and he can’t stand the thought of any other guy looking at you.

In truth, excessive jealousy is a sign that your partner feels as if he owns you, as if you’re a possession and not an individual. Authentic love necessitates reciprocal friendship, a true and mutually self-giving bond. Jealousy is the opposite of love because it’s a way of putting coercive control over trust. In Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis reminds us that—

Trust enables a relationship to be free. It means we do not have to control the other person, to follow their every step lest they escape our grip. Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try to control, possess, and dominate everything (115).

Dysfunctional jealousy often results in unfounded accusations of infidelity and overall disrespect.

If you’re the unwitting victim of this criticism, you’ll likely be led down a path of social isolation (another goal of the aggressive abuser). It just gets to be too much to deal with accusations after a fun, innocent girls’ night out, or the barrage of questions after working out at the gym. It’s easier—and feels safer—to simply stay at home, unless you’re with him.

“Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try to control, possess and dominate everything.” - Pope Francis

Domestic violence expert Lundy Bancroft, author of the best-selling classic Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, has worked with both domestic abusers and victims for over thirty years. In a recent talk given during the annual WNAAD Survival Empowerment Summit on June 2, 2021, Bancroft stated:

“Jealousy is a major, huge huge red flag … Run 180 degrees the other way from someone who’s possessive or jealous. It’s not a sign he loves you. It’s the opposite. It’s a sign of how he doesn’t want to connect with you as a human being.”

Jealousy isn’t limited to the way he feels about your interactions with men, however.

If your partner is jealous of your relationships with other friends and family members, any time you spend away from him, activities that don’t include him, your successes and triumphs, or anything else in which he feels excluded, this is a red flag.

Your partner should be happy when you’re happy, even if he isn’t the prime source of that joy.

If your partner gets jealous when you’re merely living your life to the fullest, consider that the relationship may be toxic. If you try to talk to him about his jealous attitudes and he gets angered or otherwise acts negatively, consider that the relationship may be toxic.

A controlling partner who displays signs of excessive jealousy will have numerous excuses as to why he behaves this way: he loves you, he’s afraid you’ll meet someone better, his ex cheated on him, his mother cheated on his father (or vice versa), and other similar tactics. The thing to remember is that even if true, these are merely excuses to control you.

If your partner’s intense possessiveness interferes with your social life, your self-esteem, or if you’re experiencing any other negative consequences, consider this a huge red flag.