“You can smell it a mile away, and it’s one of the scariest, most unattractive things ever...”
A single person once remarked this to me about their fear of attracting a date who exhibits an unhealthy dating demeanor.
At one time or another, most of us have probably encountered a single person who exuded uncomfortable emotional signs starting from the first five minutes of the first date. While there are many destructive attitudes to a healthy dating relationship, there are three attitudes in particular that heap bucket loads of trouble on the person carrying this attitude baggage, and the person on the receiving end of these emotions.
Be aware of these three destructive dating attitudes. And if you feel you possess one of these demeanors yourself, perhaps now is the time to work on healing yourself first, before pursuing a dating relationship.
#1: Desperation.
Desperation is an all-too-easy trap for single people to fall into. The older you get and the longer you wait for the right person, the more difficult dating becomes.
Desperation manifests itself differently in men and women, but it’s universally scary if you’re on a date with someone who exhibits this characteristic. I recall a Catholic gentleman telling me of his first date with a desperate woman. “Even before our main course arrived during dinner, I could practically hear her comparing her first name with my last name, picking out names for our firstborn child, and choosing nursery paint colors!” he told me in frustration. Women who feel that their “biological clock is ticking” may fall easy prey to becoming a desperate dater.
Desperation in men often exhibits itself in over-the-top activities, gifts, and behavior patterns early on in a dating relationship. The gentleman who texts a dozen times after dropping the lady off from their first dinner date, who calls her at work three times the next day, who asks to bring her home to meet his mother for the second date, who has expensive gifts or flowers delivered to her home before he’s taken the time to really get to know her, or who changes his Facebook profile status to “In a relationship” right away, can quickly scare a woman off from giving the gentleman a second date chance.
If you feel that perhaps your dating attitude or behavior has been one of desperation, take a deep breath, take a step back, and work on building your trust in a Heavenly Father who 1) knows all your needs and 2) promises to provide for all your needs.
Perhaps a novena to St. Joseph or St. Raphael the Archangel could ease your panicked heart. Perhaps spending an hour or two in adoration of the Blessed Sacrament could help you refocus your sense of peace and trust in God’s plan for your life and vocation.
#2: Disillusion.
A second destructive attitude to a healthy dating relationship is disillusionment.
While it takes many forms and can be called many things, the person who is disillusioned about their dating chances is the most significant contributor to his or her own dating demise.
A disillusioned dater often has thoughts that mirror these:
• “I am getting older and am still single—I will never get married!”
• “At this stage of life, all the good men/women are already snatched up.”
• “I joined CatholicMatch but there are no matches for me within over 100 miles of where I live…I might as well give up right now.”
• “I’ll go out on a date if someone asks me out, but I’m not going to put myself out there.”
• “I’ve been hurt or disappointed too many times. I am just done with dating.”
Some of these thoughts and emotions sound extremely harsh, and yet I’ve personally heard each of these excuses from a disillusioned single person at one time or another.
Bottom line? These attitudes are unattractive in both men and women. If you’ve allowed yourself to adopt a disillusioned demeanor, you’ll wear it like a gigantic flashing neon sign to potential dates saying “beware!” If you want to pursue happiness in a healthy relationship with a healthy person, you need to change your attitude.
#3: Depression.
A depressed, gloomy spirit is a heavy cross, both for the person carrying that burden and for those in close proximity to the depressed person. Here I am not referring to clinical depression, which is a serious condition that should be treated with great care.
The type of depression I speak of in this article is found in the person who has allowed his or her spirits to be so dampened by disillusionment, or by a broken heart or past negative dating experience, or perhaps simply allowing the loneliness and isolation of the single life to creep into your heart and soul too deeply…. your spirits are down, to the point you don’t even try to lift them up.
Joy is one of the most attractive characteristics you could ever find in a date or in a spouse. Joy is like a gravitational pull towards the heart of another. It’s infectious. It’s ecstatic. It’s happiness that the world cannot take away from you, even during hard times.
On the other hand, a depressed spirit is toxic and unattractive to everyone close to it. Depression breeds gloominess, despondency, and melancholy. Proverbs 15:13 says, “A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is broken.”
If you want to be pursued by someone who exudes the most attractive quality of joy, you must ask Our Lord to free you from the bondage of a depressed spirit. Unless you work on becoming a more joy-filled version of yourself, as you were created to be, you will find repeated dating dead-ends because of your destructive, unattractive attitude.
Put off the old and put on the new!
Desperation, disillusion, and depression are three fatal traps to your dating future. If you’re struggling with one of these destructive emotions, perhaps now is the time to take a step back from the dating scene and work on becoming a healthier more attractive version of yourself. Work hard to put on qualities that will make you super-appealing to the type of spouse you want to attract: qualities such as the fruit of the Spirit which St. Paul urges us to live by:
“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control….And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.” – Galatians 5:22-25
