The Key to a Great Relationship Is...Fortitude?

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"Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.”

Fortitude is the virtue that governs our reaction to danger and obstacles. It means the ability to maintain one’s will to do good in the face of opposition. In layman’s terms, it means courage, guts, nerve, and all that sort of thing.

This is the one that thrives on battlefields and in the face of natural disasters.

I imagine any men following this series have been waiting for this one.

Fortitude’s the cool virtue; the one embodied in soldiers, lawmen, superheroes and the like. Fortitude is probably the most obviously admirable of the four virtues. A relativistic hedonist who despises justice and temperance and has no concept of prudence is still liable to find himself unwillingly stirred by tales of extreme fortitude. It is the virtue that thrives on battlefields and in the midst of natural disasters, among flying bullets, clashing steel, raging wind, and wrathful seas.

As all this indicates, courage, in the face of danger and death, is the clearest image of fortitude. It also deals with simply facing pain, including emotional pain.

For instance, we often find speaking the truth to carry the risk of ridicule and humiliation. Justice demands we say it, and fortitude is what allows us to do so despite the anticipated pain it will bring. Likewise if temperance bids us to refrain from a certain pleasure, fortitude is what allows us to persevere even as the craving for it becomes positively painful.

Fortitude is what every other virtue looks like at its greatest extent.

You may notice that fortitude is not just a virtue in itself, but also what every other virtue looks like at its greatest extent. The more difficult it is to practice any given virtue, the more of fortitude is needed.

Just as temperance governs how much we allow our behavior to be controlled by our bodily desires, so fortitude regulates how much we allow our behavior to be controlled by fear. It doesn’t counsel us to be fearless, but to recognize just how far our fears are reasonable and to what extent they ought to be listened to.

Thus in war, a soldier may be afraid of storming an enemy position. If he is a man of fortitude, he will be able to see that his orders are to take the position, and that doing so is only way to win the battle and so will do his duty in spite of his fear. On the other hand, if he sees the position is clearly hopeless and that he lacks the manpower to achieve his objective, his fortitude may tell him to retreat and come back with reinforcements rather than recklessly throwing away the lives of himself and his men.

In short fortitude means acting in accordance with reason by putting our own safety and comfort in their proper place relative to the demands of justice.

Now that we’ve established what fortitude means, how do we apply it in our relationships?

Well, first and foremost, don’t discount it as applied to danger and death. The world’s a dangerous place, and you may very well find that you have the duty to face pain and ridicule, or even lay down your life for your wife or children. This applies especially to the male side of the relationship, and if you’re a man you should already be aware of this duty and be making preparations for it.

Of course, such instances will (probably) be extremely rare if they come at all. More often you’ll find your fortitude tested by the day-to-day pitfalls and problems that go into any relationship.

Now, as said one of the key precepts of fortitude is that we must not let fear of pain—including emotional pain—discourage us from the demands of justice. In the context of a relationship, this means being honest even when you’re not sure how the other will react, and even if it means addressing something that the other might not want to talk about.

For example, say you’re dating a woman, and you like her, but she has a bad habit of taking calls in the middle of your dates. It’s not that big of a deal, but it feels like a snub and you wish she wouldn’t do that. If you say something about it now, she may get annoyed at you. But if you don’t, this minor annoyance may turn into a settled resentment that, a few years down the line, may blow up in angry recriminations that cripple the relationship entirely.

Besides that, if she’s doing something you find offensive or annoying, telling her is a matter of justice, both to yourself (since you feel disrespected by it) and to her (since she may have no idea it annoys you and can’t be expected to read your mind). This doesn’t, of course, mean you should be constantly criticizing each other, but that you shouldn’t let the fear of immediate pain lead you to ignore potential problems in your relationship. More than anything else, honesty is necessary for a strong relationship, and honesty usually requires fortitude.

So, how do we develop fortitude? Simple: We do things that scare us.

It may involve facing actual physical danger (within reason, of course), such as joining a boxing gym and letting yourself be hammered in the ring for a while. Or it might just involve going somewhere you’ve never been and talking to people you don’t know.

The point is, find ways to leave your comfort zone and acclimate yourself to pain and fear, so that when unexpected dangers threaten—whether physical or emotional—you will be prepared to do your duty in spite of them.

 

This is the fourth in a series of essays explaining the cardinal virtues and how each applies to our everyday lives. If you missed the first three installments, go back and read them here: Introduction; Part 1: Justice; Part 2: Temperance.

Cover image: screenshot, "300" released March 9, 2007 by Legendary Pictures.

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