You Need Grit

What guy doesn’t want to be like the duke in the movie True Grit? There is nothing that more embodies grit and manliness in my mind than John Wayne giving a verbal dress down to four criminals. His words are so bold that even the criminals are shocked, “That’s bold talk from a one-eyed fat man!” John Wayne then spurs his horse and rides to a certain death.

All for what? Because he wants to capture some criminals who did wrong to a cattle rancher. John Wayne displays true grit, hence the name of the movie, that pays off at the end of the movie.

So what is this "grit"?

The guys at the Art of Manliness podcast knocked it out of the park with an episode entitled “Got Grit?” where they interview professor Angela Duckworth, professor  at the University of Pennsylvania and author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.  In this episode, they discuss what it means to have grit and how it's applied in our daily lives.

Grit is “both perseverance and passion for an especially long term and difficult goal.” You need grit in the spiritual life if you set heaven as your life’s goal. You need grit at work if you have a certain salary or position in mind. But you also need grit in your dating life, too.

There are four qualities of grit: deep interests, practice and ingenuity, sense of purpose, and hope.

1. Deep Interests

I heard it once said that “to be interesting, you have to be interested.” The guy that has true grit not only has passing interests and hobbies, but a true passion for something. That passion and deep interest must be profound enough that you keep your attention focused on it for the long haul, and you search for ways to renew that passion.

If you believe that God wants you to be married, then dating needs to be one of those deep interests and passions. Immediately after college, I entered a religious community to discern whether or not I had a religious vocation. After a year of intense prayer, I heard God calling me to the married life. So I left and entered into the dating world. At that point in my life, I yearned to live the married life. It wasn’t a passing interest but a consuming passion. After ten years of both good and bad dates, fun and taxing relationships, I found my wife. If you are looking for that “one,” you need to be really interested, and some lady will find you interesting.

2. Practice and Ingenuity

True grit, especially when dating, requires both practice and ingenuity. Relationships don't just happen. Like most good things in life, relationships take time, effort, and lots of practice! My very first first date was very different from the first date with the girl who would later become my wife. Over the many years of dating, I practiced how to go out on first dates. Boy, I made some mistakes! But with every date, I got better. By the time my future wife came into the picture, I wasn’t making rookie mistakes.

Ingenuity is quiet genius. You need to leverage the system to stack the dating odds in your favor. Sure, you can go out to bars or maybe young adult groups at your parish to try to meet people. But what if that isn’t working for you? What if the bars have more bikers than bachelorettes? What if the young adults group has more young whippersnappers than young-at-heart adults? Online dating at CatholicMatch is a great way to increase your odds and leverage the system to get face time with people you typically wouldn’t become acquainted with in your normal social circles.

3. Sense of Purpose

Have you ever heard of a “purpose driven life”? Well, gritty people in the dating world are purpose driven daters. Simon Sinek, in his iconic Ted Talk about the golden circle, recounts the reason why the most successful corporations are successful. They don’t focus on the “what” or “how” of their business, but the “why.” You have to reflect on why are you dating. Marriage is a vocation that is meant to make you holy and get you to heaven. So the core “why” for dating isn’t simply marriage, but heaven.

The relationship that began while you were dating still needs to be worked on after you say “I do.” If you make heaven the purpose for dating, then the goal of the relationship even after you are married hasn’t been attained. You won’t slack off. You and your wife will be continually working to make the relationship more profound and loving. Ultimately, you and your wife will be gritty together all the way to the pearly gates.

4. Hope

The final characteristic of true grit is Hope. Hope is a profound trust in the goodness of the Lord, that He will give you what is truly good. Hope is the profound trust that God wants you to be happy. Hope is a profound trust that He will ultimately help you get to heaven.

One Sunday maybe a month or two before I met my wife, I was truly losing hope. We were still in the Year of Mercy, and the priest was preaching about mercy. I got frustrated with God and told Him quite emphatically, “Lord, if you want me in heaven, you must give me a wife. Otherwise, I’m going to be on the quick path to hell.” That Sunday with that prayer of frustration, I threw myself at the Mercy of God, and the Lord had Mercy on me.

If you are losing hope, try praying the prayer at the bottom of the Divine Mercy image, “Jesus, I Trust in You.” A devotion to the Divine Mercy helped me to become more gritty, it will help you too!

John Wayne definitely had grit enough to take on a band of brigands. Do you have true grit enough to face life’s challenges, to date, get married, and become holy?