Small Habits That Can Improve Any Relationship

Have you ever had the sense that having your car washed makes it work better?

Every time I go through the car wash, it seems to me that the car goes faster, operates more quietly, and the brakes work better. I know this is magical thinking, but it never fails to give me that impression. Something similar happens when I get a haircut. All of a sudden I feel like I look younger and healthier. 

What is it about these things that can give a feeling of renewed vigor? Why can they cause a rational person to feel different because of a superficial change, either in a car or in a personal appearance? My guess is that the change is in us, in our perceptions. We feel happier with a clean car (or a new haircut) and that happiness is what allows us to feel differently.

Imagine how that might work in our marriages and relationships!

If we adopted a new habit that helps us see each other in a new way, might it give our relationship the “clean car” advantage? It’s worth testing this theory out, right?

Some things that we have learned to do that did perk up our relationship include paying attention to one another’s bids for attention and trying to remember to notice what our partner is doing for us.

It used to be when my husband, Steve, was at his computer and I was at mine, and I saw something of interest, I would say “Listen to this.” Sometimes he would and sometimes not, and when he wouldn’t, I’d feel frustrated. Once we learned about responding to one another’s bids (thank you, John Gottman), I knew to say, “Is this a good time to tell you something I just learned?” It makes such a difference because now he will either say yes or let me know that when he’s finished what he is currently doing so that he will be glad to listen. 

The same is true if he is watching a sporting event. If it’s at a crucial point, he will ask if I can wait a few minutes to get his help with something. We both benefit from this. He doesn’t feel like I am always interrupting, and I don’t resent the game for taking his attention away from the things at hand.

The other habit that we have gotten into is letting the other one know we appreciate their efforts.

Here are some examples:

"Thanks for doing the dishes tonight."

 "I appreciate you bringing me a cup of coffee."

"Thanks for paying the bills."

"You’re great at folding the laundry."

If the two of you are paying attention, there are a million things your partner does in a week that you can thank them for or let them know you appreciate. In our experience, making those things specific increases their value. “You’re a great husband” just doesn’t have the same impact.

How do these new habits relate to the car wash?

Well, in the first place, our relationships can get a little ‘dusty’ if we don’t do something to freshen them up from time to time. Habits build up that allow us to allow our spouse to be in the background rather than the foreground of our minds. Paying attention when they have something to share with us is a way of letting them know they matter.  

Secondly, what goes on outside—through what we say, what we notice, what we talk about, no matter how small it might seem to be, can change the inner feelings. It reminds us of the things we do love and admire about the one we married. And that is a positive feedback loop! The more we remember our partner’s most endearing qualities, the more we see them in action and the better we like him or her. And I also personally feel that the more we can flood our minds and hearts with loving thoughts the less room there is for critical, negative ones.

So, go get your car washed!

No really, consider building the two habits described here into your relationship. Look every day for things you can appreciate that your spouse has done.

Another thing that can be hugely helpful is to ask for appreciation. If you have done something out of the ordinary, don’t be shy about pointing it out to your spouse. Saying “Did you notice I washed the kitchen floor?” allows your spouse to give you an appreciation, and it keeps you from being disappointed that they hadn’t noticed. 

And, be attentive to the bids your partner is extending to you.

It is a chance to connect in a positive way that really makes communication so much more open. We have a prayer up on our bulletin board that is attributed to St. Francis de Sales: “Make yourself familiar with the angels and behold them frequently in spirit; for without being seen they are present with you.” Imagine that the spirit of connection between you and your spouse is one of those angels, not seen but inviting the two of you to love each other more.