Should You Date While Discerning Your Vocation?

A classic dilemma I find many single Catholics in is...the discernment of vocation.

While some seem to have what St. Ignatius would call ‘first mode’ discernment straight off the bat—having distinct clarity on what they are called to vocationally from a young age—most of us aren’t so lucky. Something I often see in my practice with clients is the tension between feeling called to discern a religious vocation yet also wanting to date.

First off, can we blame them, or anyone, for wanting to date?!

No! It’s an absolutely normal, human desire. We have an innate draw to the other, it’s natural, objectively good, and all-too relatable. While the desire is valid, it’s important to acknowledge that just because something is valid, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s appropriate or right. Take emotions for example. A phrase I frequently coach my clients on is that while all emotions are valid, they aren’t necessarily true. It’s probably very valid that on some days, you feel like the world is against you and no one likes you, but is that true? I think you see my point… now back to the dilemma.

I’d like to take a minute to remind you that what I’m about to say is my opinion, not Church dogma. It may even be something that goes against the advice of a spiritual director (in which case, default to them, not to me), because this is built off of anecdotal evidence and personal opinion. In any case, here it is...

If you are truly open to and discerning a religious vocation, don’t be dating.

If you are dating someone who is currently discerning a religious vocation, stop. If you are holding out for someone who is in the midst of discernment, let them go and move along. While the above may sound harsh, I think sometimes we need to hear things bluntly, particularly in areas where we can be all too good at deceiving ourselves or convincing ourselves otherwise. Here are my reasons for the above.

1. You’re not actually making a decision. Dating while discerning keeps you in no-man’s land. And while discernment, in general, can feel slow and confusing, sweetening the deal by having a cute guy or girl on the side doesn’t give you much motivation to move out of it. In fact, it may keep you from making a decision. I have worked with and known countless people who prolong discernment needlessly by having one foot in and the other out. 

2. It involves another person. Dating someone is not only an emotional investment on your end but equally so for the guy or girl you’re dating. Heartbreak, rejection, and feelings of being used are all very powerful experiences that can take a long time to heal. If you’re not free to totally give yourself to the dating process, then heartbreak, rejection, and feelings of being used often ensue for the other. Don’t be selfish by toying with another person’s heart when you know you’re not in a place to commit. 

3. Anxiety. Anxiety often arises when we’re avoiding something that we know needs our attention (think about that pile of bills on the kitchen counter, the squeaky noise your car makes that is progressively getting louder… etc.). Dating with religious discernment on the backburner is a recipe for anxiety, both for yourself and for the relationship. Dating has the potential to be so incredibly fun, easy, and carefree. Don’t spoil it by not being truly free to be there. 

So what am I proposing?

In general, I am a big advocate for dating, and always question the purpose of dating fasts or timelines that seem to be arbitrarily done without a purpose. If you know you want to move towards marriage, by all means, please date! 

However, if you are truly open to a religious vocation, have the courage to take the necessary steps towards it. Seek counsel, pray about it, open up space in your life for God to pull you closer into that. God speaks to us in the silence, and if our days are filled with the noise of dating apps, TV shows, and social media, we can’t hear him. 

If you are struggling to find clarity either way and don’t feel peace moving towards either, look to the growth that needs to happen right now. You may not know your vocation, but there are likely areas in your life that need to be addressed (remember that part on avoidance?). Focus on growing in those areas, and the steps forward will become clear. 

Dating is great, but don’t do it out of boredom, distraction, or an attitude of ‘why not?’. Date with a purpose, it’s the most caring thing you can do for the other person, but also, for yourself.