Should You Date a Man Who Is Unemployed?

One of the foundational duties of manhood is to be a provider, to be able to provide the means of living to yourself and your family.

Whether this is accomplished through property, labor, skill, or (more commonly) some combination of the three, the point is that a man ought to be able to give his family what they need to survive.

I say this is a foundational duty of manhood, one of the most basic moral urges that we experience in this life. From before our time in the caves, it was a man’s duty to go out with his spear and his club to hunt the woolly mammoth and wild boar and carry its flesh home so that his family might eat another day, just as it was his duty to fight off the lion and the bear when they came sniffing around the camp fire. Before any human law was made, this law, “go forth and get food of thine own” was etched into the male heart, and woe to the man who breaks it.

The man who is unable or unwilling to provide suffers from the fact; he becomes warped in the mind and may grow irritable and depressed, or else self-absorbed and listless. It is unhealthy for a man if he does not provide.

Okay, so what constitutes ‘providing’?

Well, in this sense, to provide simply means that a man gives his family what they need to live; not just in the sense of what they need to survive, but a context in which to live and grow as healthy human beings (‘life’ is more than mere biological existence). A man gives of his own to sustain his children’s lives just as he gave of himself to beget them.

This begins before he even has children. When a man marries, he is said to take his wife into his own house. That is, he provides her a new home: a new context in which to live her life. This is, in fact, part of what a marriage is (the question of why it ought to be the man who does this is too intricate to deal with here).

It ought to be clear that this is a wholly different question from what sphere of life that home is formed in. Mr. Darcy welcoming his wife into a fine house richly furnished and heavy with tradition is not for that reason a better provider than Mr. Gargery welcoming his wife into a humble blacksmith’s cottage. The point is that in both cases, a form of life and a context for living it is provided by the man out of what he has to offer.

This is absolutely a necessity of the married state, and a man who is unwilling to provide for his family is as unworthy of marriage as a man who is unwilling to remain faithful to his wife. Rich or poor, a man takes care of his own and provides for them.

Practically speaking, what does it mean for men who don't have a flourishing career yet?

Now, this leads us to some practical matters. For men the question is: “Ought I to wait until I have a solid career going and a home to offer before I marry?”

To that, all things being equal, we may answer, “No.”

In the first place, you don’t know that you ever will have such a career, and it is likely to be a long time coming if you do. To be uncertain in your career and wobbly in your finances is simply part of what it means to be young, and unless you are either very fortunate, very brilliant, or possessed of a rich inheritance, you are not likely to be financially comfortable for some time. More importantly, don’t underestimate the effects of marriage on your career; the powerful urge to provide for your wife and family will drive you on to greater exertions than you have ever achieved on your own.

In this matter, intention is more important than fact; if you mean to get on in the world, then don’t wait to look for the right woman until you’ve done so. Find one who believes in you and who is willing to share the ride.

Women: should you take a risk on an unemployed man?

To take the same question from the female side—of whether women ought to date men who are unemployed or who seem unable to provide, the answer is the same: a qualified “yes.”

In this case it largely depends upon why the man is unemployed, and that, I am afraid, is a matter of coming to know the man himself (most relationship questions get to that answer sooner or later). If he is the sort who expects to coast through life without sacrifice or who thinks he’s entitled to be provided for rather than to provide, then avoid him like the plague.

On the other hand, if he is working on a career that hasn’t gotten off the ground yet, or has experienced an unexpected layoff, or finds himself in the process of switching from one career to another, or some similar situation then you shouldn’t be at all afraid to let him pursue you (remember that many great, successful men—J.R.R. Tolkien, Ulysses S. Grant, and Walt Disney to name just a few—married long before their careers were at all established).

That is to say don’t let the fact that a man is unemployed blind you to his other qualities: unemployment is usually temporary, but a good man is hard to find.

God calls you to give to others whatever it is you have to give.

In summary, to be a good provider means that a man gives of what he has—time, attention, property, skill etc.—to create a life for his family. Just as God created man and gave Him the world in which to live, so a father begets his children and gives them a home in which to grow. Like the widow with her two coins, it is not a matter of how much we have to give, but that we give all we have.