Living Together Before Marriage Affects the Kids Too

You know what's really hard? Encountering someone really nice, maybe a friend, maybe someone you're getting to know at work, but hearing him talk about his live-in partner and not really knowing how to respond.

Well, you know how to respond because as Catholics, we know cohabitation is wrong, but we want to respond in a charitable way. We want to respond in a way that might draw him or her closer to the truth—instead of just hitting him over the head with Church teaching.

It's important to share the truth in a way that has a positive effect on others, but you might not have those words on tap and ready to go.

A great way to prepare for these "pop quiz" style conversations is to know and be comfortable with factual information before you are confronted with this kind of situation. The National Marriage Project is an organization that is doing tremendous work to support and promote the need for happy marriages and stronger families. You can find some wonderful resources on their website. One of those resources is a video, "Why Marriage Matters: An Argument for the Goods of Marriage."

In addition to the negative effects we already know stem from cohabitation such as couples sort of sliding into marriage out of guilt or fear and many of those unions ending in divorce, Elizabeth Marquardt, director of the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values points out that cohabitation—not divorce—is the number one threat to a child's stability today. Here is a clip from that video:

It really is heartbreaking to view life with cohabitating parents from a child's perspective and Ms. Marquardt makes some excellent points, beginning with idea that in comparing children of divorce to children with cohabitating parents, the children of divorce seem to be the lucky ones:

Divorce is an institution, it has a structure, it has a name, you can describe it to people, you know when it happens. Co-habitation has none of those things. You don't know when it starts, you don't know when it ends... what is your mom's ex-live-in-boyfriend to you? What if you liked him and you miss him? What if you were close to his son over the summer and then you never see him again? How do you name those people in your life much less describe the loss of those people in your life?

Cohabitation is more prevalent than ever today and is growing at an alarming rate. Many couples who choose this sort of lifestyle often do so because they were never really given any sort of moral compass to begin with, which means they don't really understand the negative effects their lifestyle has on their children and the rest of society. To them, it's a personal choice that effects no one but themselves and their partner. When we, as Catholics, understand the issues and are ready to intelligently discuss them with a sincere interest in drawing them closer to God, it can have a ripple across a large number of people.

You might ask, "How do you even get the conversation started?" Again, it comes back to having a sincere interest in leading others to God and can't be about winning an argument or lording moral truths over someone. Strike up a friendship with that person if you see them on a regular basis and find a way to naturally work the topic into your normal conversation. If you don't see that person on a regular basis, do a lot of listening to them first and then find a way to charitably open the discussion.

For example, not long ago I was at the salon getting my hair done and my hairdresser was someone I'd never met and would likely never see again. She told me she was five months pregnant and that began a really nice conversation about being a mom and having kids. When she announced that this baby—her second—was a surprise and she was going to fix things so there wouldn't be more surprises, I wanted to jump in and say something but I waited. The conversation continued and when my hair was done and looking great, I stood up, handed her a tip and said, "I encourage you to stay open about having more children. They're a lot of work, I know, but they are such treasures! I couldn't imagine life without all my children around me." She replied by saying how nice it was to hear someone say that about being a mom and that she would go home that night and talk about it with her husband because he definitely wanted more kids."

It's little things like this... simple suggestions with great meaning that can change someone's heart and lead them closer to God. I encourage you to watch the entire Why Marriage Matters video below and gain additional insights that may help you in a future conversation with someone. As always, feel free to send your questions and comments to asklisa@catholicmatch.com.