One Plus One Equals... One?

Jesus said that marriage is the union of two people who become one.

Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. Matthew 19:6

Wait, my non-math brain just exploded. One plus one equals... one?

Yes! Think of it this way. Before you can unite yourself to someone else as one, you have to be whole. Marriage is the union of one whole person plus another whole person, not one half of a person plus another half of a person, hoping to add up to one person.

Therein lies the problem. We've got an awful lot of people who aren't ready for marriage because they aren't willing to work towards wholeness themselves. They hope someone else is going to fix them.

Pop songs only add to this sad state of affairs.

"How do I live without you? How do I breathe without you? How do I ever, ever survive?"

"I can't live if living is without you."

 "I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mind. I will be your preacher/teacher, anything you have in mind."

Who are we talking to here...God?

People who go in for this stuff are placing too many or the wrong kind of expectations on their partners like—be my Messiah.

Or maybe they're the one looking for someone to rescue. They are co-dependent on wounded people who make them feel needed. Father Emmerich Vogt, O.P., who publishes the 12 Step Review, talks of one woman who put it this way: “The rocks in his head fit the holes in mine!”

Expecting a mere mortal to do what only God can is a set up for disaster.

People are flawed simply because they're fallen. Even good people sin and hurt others and disappoint you—sometimes. We all know that in our heads, but our hearts still yearn for someone to worship, who will worship us in return.

This is good because there is such a person. He is God.

Only God is perfect. Only He can fulfill you. Nuns are fond of saying that they are the only ones who truly have a perfect Spouse. "If we have a fight, I know it's my fault."

But here's the thing. Even God does not make you happy all of the time. Did you ever get frustrated with God because He didn't fix up your life the way you thought He would? I have! I remember thinking—Why don't you fix this? You can. You just won't!

Of course later I had to say sorry to God for being a brat.

How could I talk that way to a good dad? He was doing what all good dads do—expect their children to work for what they want, not just sit there, make a novena, and wait for it.

The work is risky because you have to get vulnerable—a thing I personally do not like to get. But then you find how generous God is. He is not going to give you exactly what you want; He is going to give you something better! The reason He demands things of you is to stretch you and get you to grow. Ouch. Sometimes that hurts a bit.

If you want to get married, what you are asking for may seem like simply a way to be happy ever after. But what you are really asking for is a vocation, a way of life, a path to sanctity. Will it make you happy? Yes! As long as you prepare for it right.

Okay, so how?

In a way it is similar to prepping for a religious vocation. If people approached matrimony more the way religious approach their vocations, there would be many more successful marriages. Let's take a look.

With a religious vocation, it starts with feeling called. Then you look around for the right fit. You visit different monasteries. You pick one and ask if you can join. Do they take you right off? Nope! Often you will be told to go to college for a year, or finish college, or pay your debts, or go get a job, or go live apart from your parents or something else. This is to make sure you are interested in the community in a mature way and that you are ready for the commitment. They want a whole person who will accept the responsibility the vocation demands.

A marriage vocation also starts with feeling called.

You look around for the right person. You date different people. You pick one and see if you have a future together. Do they take you right off? Unlikely. Whether they want to marry you will depend a lot on what you've already done. Do you have a job, an education, friends, convictions, passions, talents, goals? Are you interested in dating in a mature way? Are you ready to make a commitment? Marriage requires being a whole person who can accept the responsibility the vocation demands.

Sounds like work, doesn't it? It is. But God built it so rest assured, this is the path to happiness.

You can start today by praying every day for the graces God wishes to give you—right now, where you are, not just in some future vocation, but in the state in life you are in right now.

While you are at it, pray for the person you will marry—even if you still haven't met. You not only don't want to be co-dependent, you don't want to hitch up with someone who is co-dependent.

Whatever you do, don't wait around for someone to "come along" who will do for you what you are supposed to be doing for yourself.

Only then can two become one.